In my estimation the primary purpose of drinking games is to drink. Specifically, to drink faster than one otherwise would were they not playing the game. If you’re drinking at the same casual pace you normally would why don’t you drink while playing a non-drinking game? Like checkers, or whatever it is idiots play. I forgot of the existence of games that don’t involve alcohol around 12, so I don’t really know. Some would say I have a problem. I say it’s a solution. But I digress.
Games employ several tactics to encourage increased drinking. Most card games use the number system (Drink 7, drink double, finish your beer, etc.). This is faulty because it is dependent on the honor system, which doesn’t work at a party when people don’t know each other (or you have dishonest friends). It also focuses on quantity as opposed to quickness, so you end up with an impossible amount to drink and just quit. “Drink this whole beer!” “Ok, I will, while walking away and over the next 30 minutes. "
My favorite games take advantage of team pressure. The first team to finishes wins, so you have to drink as fast as you can or else you hurt your team. If not for yourself, do it for your country. Boat races, Flip Cup, Speed Pong, and NEMESIS are all based on this premise. Beer pong is turn based so no advantage is gained from drinking quickly.
NEMESIS, like Speed Pong, was born because beer pong is inadequate for the serious drinker. It has everything one could like about beer pong, only more of it. All who have grown accustomed to it can no longer play regular pong due to its vast inferiority.
Rules
NEMESIS is 21 cup 3 on 3 pong. The returning winners each pick a player from the challenging team as their NEMESIS. Each pair of nemesi share a ball, meaning there are 3 balls in play but a player will only ever shoot one of them. Every cup you hit is drunk by your NEMESIS and each cup they hit is drunk by you. You do not have to wait for your teammates to get their balls to shoot. Another way to look at it is 3 games of one on one sharing the same rack. Cups are racked on 10 and 6 only, so if you’re stupid and hit a cup before you rack you don’t get it. Your team does need all balls in order to rack. There is no redemption.
After spelling out the rules I’ve noticed it in no way conveys what NEMESIS is. It’s sorta like the Matrix; you have to experience it. 21 cups split equally means each person’s drinking 7, which is more than normal 1 on 1 beer pong or 2 on 2 ten cup. This, however, almost never happens. Someone inevitably gets 10 or more cups drained on them and has to sit in the corner to contemplate what their life has become, only they can’t because their brain has been washed away by a flash flood of frothy beverage. 21 cups gives a shooter ample opportunity to dial it in, and 3 or 4 cups can be sunk in a matter of minutes. This sets up prime opportunity for trash talking since you can hone your insults in on one person instead of two, with no denial that they are less of a man (or woman) than you. And since there are now 6 personalities involved instead of 4, the potential hilarity of verbal defecation is multiplied.
Strategy also comes into play. How should Nemesi be matched up? If one person is dominating their NEMESIS, they can be taken out of the game by their NEMESIS holding the ball, forcing a 2 on 2 game. This is hard for anyone with an ego to do, of which there is an overabundance in NEMESIS, but after drinking 6 cups in 5 minutes most are willing to consider their options. This tactic has caused several nonconsecutive arguments of a boisterous nature, but if you don’t like it don’t have teammates that suck.
Interested? Confused? Excitedly thirsty!? If you would like to experience the destruction of NEMESIS first hand and live in the Arlington area a 16 team tournament is being planned sometime in the near future. Contact me for further details.
3. 2. 1. NEMESIS!
Monday, November 10, 2008
Monday, November 3, 2008
Welcome to: SPEED PONG
As my life has progressed through time I’ve found the people I choose to spend my time with have several essential traits in common with myself. One circle in particular likes drinking, competition, not being bored, and having a degree from a certain institution of higher learning. As such we tend to improve and create drinking games to support our insatiable and downright dangerous competitive drinking habits.
Speed Pong is close to my heart as I am one of its originators. There’s bound to be other games referred to as Speed Pong floating throughout drinking communities, but these rules, which evolved in one of the finest drinking laboratories in the nation, foster a truly intense and exciting exhibit. I love to play it and I love watching others play. It rivals basketball as my favorite sport. Oh yes, it’s a sport. Maintaining a high level of play is difficult due to cardiovascular fatigue as well as increased inebriation. It is not for the casual drinker. If you don’t enter the arena ready to give 108% of your focus and energy your liver will be annihilated, and your self esteem will be battered due to merciless heckling until my throat is soar.
Rules
Speed Pong is derived from Beer Pong, a.k.a. Beirut (“Real” beer pong is retarded. How many parties have paddles?). Beer Pong has many variations itself, leading to countless drunken arguments with no relative points other than “Your rules are stupid and you’re girlfriends ugly.” So, first let’s go over pong rules as they relate to SP:
1. 2 on 2 six cup, triangle formation
2. Bounces count as 2 cups and can be defended
Now for the speed rules:
1. All shots are live. If you shoot and miss you can chase down the ball and shoot again.
2. No possession of multiple balls. If your partner is shooting you cannot be holding a ball. Water cup counts as possession
3. Your team cannot shoot until made cups are drank. If you have a ball and the other team hits a cup, you must drop or throw the ball.
4. No reracks, no redemption
Simple enough, right? Well these rules open an entire new dimension never before seen in pong based drinking games. Shooting is still important, but it tends to be overemphasized by new players used to playing traditional beer pong. The magic of Speed Pong lies in these added dimensions.
Rebounding: this includes catching balls off the cup or table quickly but primarily refers to chasing down balls in the field. Rebounding leads to more shots, so if 2 two teams are about equal in shooting the better rebounding team will win. Reaction time and desire are key ingredients to a good rebounder.
Rebounding also includes interference. You cannot possess the ball if your partner is drinking or shooting, but you can impede the other team from possessing. Kicking, batting and standing in the way are all legal. Naturally interference can be countered by aggressive rebounding, resulting in a game within the game away from the table. (Note: the level of legal physical contact has not yet been clearly defined. Ramming, checking into cars, and picking up and moving opponents are all moves which have been used and hotly contested.)
Passing: Balls will be rebounded all over the place: Behind the opponent, under the table after diving, down the hall. If the other team is in a precarious position getting back to shooting position can waste precious seconds. Being able to accurately throw a tiny hollow ball from various positions ranging from on your stomach to in the neighbor’s yard can result in momentum changing plays. Yes, momentum is a tangible aspect of Speed Pong. Hitting 3 cups in a row, forcing a player to drink 2 cups after running around for the last 5 minutes like a chihuahua on speed, can break even the most embiggoned spirit.
Communication: With beer pong you can talk to friends, dance and take bathroom breaks. In Speed pong if you open your mouth it better be to help your teammate or help explain to the other team how bad they are at everything they do and just how worthless they are as people. Helping your teammate locate a ball, calling out a forthcoming pass, or signaling when you’ve shot or finished drinking saves possessions and time in a game where both are rare commodities.
The accelerated pace of the game can rattle players, especially when their team is missing shots or losing rebounds. This is when expertly timed trash talk can evaporate the will of the weak, giving the edge to the player focused on the triumph of victory.
If you wanna have a few friends over, hang out, maybe throw on the new Hannah Montana cd, Speed Pong is not an element you want to introduce. It is an event in itself made with the serious drinker in mind, preferably with a sports background. It has found a niche as a day after party activity affectionately named Speed Pong Sunday. “We could clean and move the furniture back, or we could use the leftover half keg. Hmmm…” I encourage all hearty beerthletes to test the fast beer soaked waters and see if their fancy is tickled. I hope for Speed Pong to sometime be a recognized event so I can realize my dream of becoming a Speed Pong coach (Go Kentucky Klickies!). Until that day (or Bacon Day, whichever comes first) I will enjoy the small yet devoted society of competitive drinkers of which I’m currently a member and continue to work towards the perfect alignment of drinking and games.
Next Week: Welcome to NEMESIS
Speed Pong is close to my heart as I am one of its originators. There’s bound to be other games referred to as Speed Pong floating throughout drinking communities, but these rules, which evolved in one of the finest drinking laboratories in the nation, foster a truly intense and exciting exhibit. I love to play it and I love watching others play. It rivals basketball as my favorite sport. Oh yes, it’s a sport. Maintaining a high level of play is difficult due to cardiovascular fatigue as well as increased inebriation. It is not for the casual drinker. If you don’t enter the arena ready to give 108% of your focus and energy your liver will be annihilated, and your self esteem will be battered due to merciless heckling until my throat is soar.
Rules
Speed Pong is derived from Beer Pong, a.k.a. Beirut (“Real” beer pong is retarded. How many parties have paddles?). Beer Pong has many variations itself, leading to countless drunken arguments with no relative points other than “Your rules are stupid and you’re girlfriends ugly.” So, first let’s go over pong rules as they relate to SP:
1. 2 on 2 six cup, triangle formation
2. Bounces count as 2 cups and can be defended
Now for the speed rules:
1. All shots are live. If you shoot and miss you can chase down the ball and shoot again.
2. No possession of multiple balls. If your partner is shooting you cannot be holding a ball. Water cup counts as possession
3. Your team cannot shoot until made cups are drank. If you have a ball and the other team hits a cup, you must drop or throw the ball.
4. No reracks, no redemption
Simple enough, right? Well these rules open an entire new dimension never before seen in pong based drinking games. Shooting is still important, but it tends to be overemphasized by new players used to playing traditional beer pong. The magic of Speed Pong lies in these added dimensions.
Rebounding: this includes catching balls off the cup or table quickly but primarily refers to chasing down balls in the field. Rebounding leads to more shots, so if 2 two teams are about equal in shooting the better rebounding team will win. Reaction time and desire are key ingredients to a good rebounder.
Rebounding also includes interference. You cannot possess the ball if your partner is drinking or shooting, but you can impede the other team from possessing. Kicking, batting and standing in the way are all legal. Naturally interference can be countered by aggressive rebounding, resulting in a game within the game away from the table. (Note: the level of legal physical contact has not yet been clearly defined. Ramming, checking into cars, and picking up and moving opponents are all moves which have been used and hotly contested.)
Passing: Balls will be rebounded all over the place: Behind the opponent, under the table after diving, down the hall. If the other team is in a precarious position getting back to shooting position can waste precious seconds. Being able to accurately throw a tiny hollow ball from various positions ranging from on your stomach to in the neighbor’s yard can result in momentum changing plays. Yes, momentum is a tangible aspect of Speed Pong. Hitting 3 cups in a row, forcing a player to drink 2 cups after running around for the last 5 minutes like a chihuahua on speed, can break even the most embiggoned spirit.
Communication: With beer pong you can talk to friends, dance and take bathroom breaks. In Speed pong if you open your mouth it better be to help your teammate or help explain to the other team how bad they are at everything they do and just how worthless they are as people. Helping your teammate locate a ball, calling out a forthcoming pass, or signaling when you’ve shot or finished drinking saves possessions and time in a game where both are rare commodities.
The accelerated pace of the game can rattle players, especially when their team is missing shots or losing rebounds. This is when expertly timed trash talk can evaporate the will of the weak, giving the edge to the player focused on the triumph of victory.
If you wanna have a few friends over, hang out, maybe throw on the new Hannah Montana cd, Speed Pong is not an element you want to introduce. It is an event in itself made with the serious drinker in mind, preferably with a sports background. It has found a niche as a day after party activity affectionately named Speed Pong Sunday. “We could clean and move the furniture back, or we could use the leftover half keg. Hmmm…” I encourage all hearty beerthletes to test the fast beer soaked waters and see if their fancy is tickled. I hope for Speed Pong to sometime be a recognized event so I can realize my dream of becoming a Speed Pong coach (Go Kentucky Klickies!). Until that day (or Bacon Day, whichever comes first) I will enjoy the small yet devoted society of competitive drinkers of which I’m currently a member and continue to work towards the perfect alignment of drinking and games.
Next Week: Welcome to NEMESIS
Wednesday, May 7, 2008
King James Still a Prince
The national criticism LeBron James received during the Cavaliers series with the Wizards was surprising, considering he is one of the most popular players in the league. In truth, the instigators of all the trash talking were Wizards roll players. So why is LeBron now villainized as a whiner?
Because he feels entitled to a status he is not yet entitled to. Because he went straight to the refs every time he touched utterly outraged there was no foul called. He wants to be the next Jordan, and he probably will be, but he hasn’t earned Jordan’s calls. Do you think Jordan was getting the calls he got in 96 back in 89? Hell no! Jordan had to go through the Pistons, Celtics, and Lakers to earn the right to be considered the best. People growing up with the championship MJ probably don’t realize he was somewhat of a punk in his early years. I have a great picture of him going up for a 180 with a gold chain around his neck. He showed up to an all-star game one year wearing a fur coat at the airport. In that same all-star game no one passed MJ the ball in a freeze out led by Isiah Thomas. Jordan complained just as much as LeBron complained last week, but Jordan got the respect from the refs after he went through the Knicks/Pistons Jordan Rules experience, not during. LeBron just got his first helping.
LeBron showed flashes of how great he can be in the Eastern Conference Finals last year, and followed it up with a great season. After coming into the league with more hype than any player in 2 decades, he has backed it up with his first five seasons in the league. All that does is allow him to be considered for elite status. Kobe Bryant just one his first MVP, and part of his finally winning was undoubtedly the fact he has been the best player in the league for the last five years. Not 5 time all-star. Not five seasons with 20/5/5 average. 5 time consensus always the best player on the court, guy you want on your team down by 1 with 3 seconds left.
So how does LeBron prove himself worthy of elite status? Twice in the last week James has missed game winning or game tying layups. Yes, they were contested. They weren’t gimmies, but those are the shots you make to be considered great. Jordan hit those shots. Kobe hits those shots. They missed some, too, but they hit enough when it mattered to make people forget about the misses. James has one thing going for him. Those shots were in the first and second round. If he hits a game winner in the finals those misses disappear. First he has to get back there. So until he gets a few more bruising series and game winners under his belt, don’t act so surprised when it’s not given to you.
Because he feels entitled to a status he is not yet entitled to. Because he went straight to the refs every time he touched utterly outraged there was no foul called. He wants to be the next Jordan, and he probably will be, but he hasn’t earned Jordan’s calls. Do you think Jordan was getting the calls he got in 96 back in 89? Hell no! Jordan had to go through the Pistons, Celtics, and Lakers to earn the right to be considered the best. People growing up with the championship MJ probably don’t realize he was somewhat of a punk in his early years. I have a great picture of him going up for a 180 with a gold chain around his neck. He showed up to an all-star game one year wearing a fur coat at the airport. In that same all-star game no one passed MJ the ball in a freeze out led by Isiah Thomas. Jordan complained just as much as LeBron complained last week, but Jordan got the respect from the refs after he went through the Knicks/Pistons Jordan Rules experience, not during. LeBron just got his first helping.
LeBron showed flashes of how great he can be in the Eastern Conference Finals last year, and followed it up with a great season. After coming into the league with more hype than any player in 2 decades, he has backed it up with his first five seasons in the league. All that does is allow him to be considered for elite status. Kobe Bryant just one his first MVP, and part of his finally winning was undoubtedly the fact he has been the best player in the league for the last five years. Not 5 time all-star. Not five seasons with 20/5/5 average. 5 time consensus always the best player on the court, guy you want on your team down by 1 with 3 seconds left.
So how does LeBron prove himself worthy of elite status? Twice in the last week James has missed game winning or game tying layups. Yes, they were contested. They weren’t gimmies, but those are the shots you make to be considered great. Jordan hit those shots. Kobe hits those shots. They missed some, too, but they hit enough when it mattered to make people forget about the misses. James has one thing going for him. Those shots were in the first and second round. If he hits a game winner in the finals those misses disappear. First he has to get back there. So until he gets a few more bruising series and game winners under his belt, don’t act so surprised when it’s not given to you.
Thursday, March 20, 2008
It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year
I remember exploding out of bed with the sunrise, my head spinning with giddy anticipation of the wonders Santa had brought me during the night. I’d race downstairs and dive into the biggest shiny box in sight. The following hours (or were they minutes) were a confusing collage of flying paper, electric sirens and a never ending array of delectable treats. But somewhere around the time I stopped playing with toys and realized Santa is probably not real, and if he is real he is some sort of master criminal, my excitement for Christmas waned to the point my mom had to wake me up for Christmas brunch (Is it still brunch if it’s after noon?).
While this adolescent shift is necessary I could not ignore the ominous feeling that life was less vibrant without this intense euphoria. The wonderment of the magical world children live in faded into a sober, boring reality. Then, just recently, I realized there is another event that has replaced this blind joy in my life: March Madness.
From Championship week to Final Four weekend my world glimmers with magic, dulling everything not associated with brackets. Santa always brought three or four presents covered in pretty paper. But the NCAA tournament offers 48 games to unwrap in the first weekend! Is it an upset? A buzzer beater!? Ooooh, goody gumdrops I’ve been ever-so patient. Please give me a floater in the lane for a win, followed by baseline three to knock off a 3 seed.
The same Cinderella surprises occur each year, but with new players, teams, and storylines. Every March evokes memories of tournament’s past. Can there be another George Mason this year? How ‘bout a backward over the head pass to a twin in the middle of an upset (Go UAB)? Wichita State (there the Shockers. Come on!), Creighton, The Salukis of Southern Illinois, Pepperdine. I have no proof these schools exist outside of March. Every bracket busted, every Goliath defeated, every hero born fills the atmosphere with a tangible electricity.
And, as if that’s not enough, what happens to land smack in the middle of March madness? St. Patrick’s Day. So in between 4 day marathons of watching games whenever conscious I can celebrate my Irish heritage by making a drunken mockery of it. Candy Canes and green and red M & M’s are replaced by Car Bombs and green beer. This is better than Christmas!
Maybe Santa is real, he’s just changed seasons. What did I get for March Madness this year? A boss on maternity leave. Goodbye productivity, hello webcast (Studies have shown productivity actually decreases in March. That makes me proud to be an American). Let's go Hilltoppers!
While this adolescent shift is necessary I could not ignore the ominous feeling that life was less vibrant without this intense euphoria. The wonderment of the magical world children live in faded into a sober, boring reality. Then, just recently, I realized there is another event that has replaced this blind joy in my life: March Madness.
From Championship week to Final Four weekend my world glimmers with magic, dulling everything not associated with brackets. Santa always brought three or four presents covered in pretty paper. But the NCAA tournament offers 48 games to unwrap in the first weekend! Is it an upset? A buzzer beater!? Ooooh, goody gumdrops I’ve been ever-so patient. Please give me a floater in the lane for a win, followed by baseline three to knock off a 3 seed.
The same Cinderella surprises occur each year, but with new players, teams, and storylines. Every March evokes memories of tournament’s past. Can there be another George Mason this year? How ‘bout a backward over the head pass to a twin in the middle of an upset (Go UAB)? Wichita State (there the Shockers. Come on!), Creighton, The Salukis of Southern Illinois, Pepperdine. I have no proof these schools exist outside of March. Every bracket busted, every Goliath defeated, every hero born fills the atmosphere with a tangible electricity.
And, as if that’s not enough, what happens to land smack in the middle of March madness? St. Patrick’s Day. So in between 4 day marathons of watching games whenever conscious I can celebrate my Irish heritage by making a drunken mockery of it. Candy Canes and green and red M & M’s are replaced by Car Bombs and green beer. This is better than Christmas!
Maybe Santa is real, he’s just changed seasons. What did I get for March Madness this year? A boss on maternity leave. Goodbye productivity, hello webcast (Studies have shown productivity actually decreases in March. That makes me proud to be an American). Let's go Hilltoppers!
Friday, February 15, 2008
Awesome, Thy Name is Bacon
What is your thought process when you wake up in the morning? Mine looks like this:
http://incredimazing.com/page/Bacon_Flowchart: Whoever made this peered into my soul.
Bacon’s awesomeness is self-evident, meaning its mere existence is enough proof it’s awesome. But its true power is unleashed when combined with other good foods. You see, bacon is a true superstar, and as such makes its teammates better, like Michael Jordan. This is better than a good food that doesn’t play well with others, like pop tarts, or Allen Iverson. So I got to thinking, bacon is so good at making other foods better, but has its deliciousness enhancing powers been fully explored? What foods could better utilize bacon for a fuller, more fulfilling eating experience?
Cheese
Bacon and cheese go together better than Arnold and 1 liners:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=64aJH2l_doY: I can’t wait for The Governator to come out
Virtually all foods with cheese can, and should, have bacon. Preferably melted, cheese offers a melty yin to bacon's crunchy yang, which helps to center one's Chi. This marriage of smoky goodness and creamy richness is no secret, but these two should be thought of as one entity, cheacon. I have a dream, when one day I can go to the grocery store and buy prepackaged cheacon. I have seen the mountain top, and it is delicious.
Hamburger/Sandwich
For centuries man has known of the impact bacon can have on a sandwich. Yet, I still feel it is being underutilized. I don’t know if a cheeseburger is even worthwhile without bacon, unless maybe it has sauteed mushrooms. It already has cheese, which can always be paired with bacon (see above). Whenever I’m eating a baconless sandwich I say to myself, “Self, what would make this sandwich better?” We all know the answer to that.
Here’s a sandwich recipe that is guaranteed to be delicious: Unstale bread, bacon, cheese, another meat (chicken, turkey, hamburger, more bacon), some sort of sauce. Bam! Flavor town.
http://carefulthought.files.wordpress.com/2007/04/bacon5.jpg: Bacon makes anything better, even bacon
There are literally trillions of comcastic combinations. Here are two that work for all time constraints and income brackets.
Bacon/cheddar/bbq sauce plus chicken breast or hamburger on pumpernickel
Bacon/Swiss (or havarti if you can handle nirvana)/ranch plus chicken breast or hamburger and pepper to taste on sourdough.
Excuse me, I have to go make both of these right now.
Tacos (or any Mexican food)
Those were delicious. Building from the example burgers have given, we see bacon and hamburger meat play well together. This doesn’t need any more explanation. Tortilla + cheese + meat + bacon + whatever the hell else is in Mexican food = best thing on any Mexican menu. I’m surprised the Mexicans dropped the ball on this.
Lasagna (or any Italian food)
For years I have wrestled with a way to incorporate bacon in one of the marvels of culinary science, lasagna. Whether crunchy or chewy, bacon’s texture does not go with lasagna’s consistency. I will continue to experiment, but let’s think about bacon’s use in past dishes in general. Some might say that real Italian food doesn’t use bacon (Neal Allen). This is a bold faced lie. Italians made their own bacon, pancetta. Take a sheet of bacon, throw on some pepper and other spices, then roll it up and slice it. Now you have pancetta. This stuff is great in red and white sauces, on pizza or in panini’s. Of course, if you don’t want to pay extra for a fancy name you can put some pepper on bacon and your back in the old country, a.k.a. flavor country.
Vegetables
Vegetables suck. Children know this instinctively, and must be tricked into eating them through various means of nefarious deception. One such way is using a dipping sauce like ranch, and we’ve already established that bacon and ranch both play for team awesome. Throwing in vegetables just adds health to the equation.
General Tso’s Chicken (or any Chinese food)
Ok, I know it’s getting a little crazy, but stay with me. Imagine some nice crispy bacon pieces in tso sauce. I bet bacon would go well with some Peiking duck. Think of bacon as savor sprinkles: just sprinkle some bacon pieces on any robust meal and you’ve just raised the overall awesomeness by 10%.
Seafood
Seafood is delicious, so it doesn’t need to be overpowered with bacon. However, bacon-wrapped scallops are the best Super Bowl snack according to some (http://www.realclearsports.com/blog/2008/01/rcs_favorites_super_bowl_snack_1.html), goes well in lobster bisque, and I think a little bacon sprinkled over shrimp or in butter sauce for lobster would do the soul good.
Indian Food
“They aren't allowed to use bacon, I think. But we can!” – Andrew MacDonald
There are actually several distinct types of curry, and I gotta believe all of them could use a hot bacon injection. There are a lot of exotic flavors used in Indian food which I know nothing about, but I do know something about the nature of bacon. India should put their nuclear program on hold and get their top minds on the bacon infusion equation. This could end the bloodshed in Kashmir…ok, maybe not, but it won’t make it worse…except Muslims don’t eat pork so it might. Looks like I’ll have to take care of this myself.
Hot Cinnamon Apple Dessert
Bacon has conquered breakfast and lunch and the dinner campaign is going well. Dessert is the final frontier, the undiscovered country. Recently I was introduced to candied bacon, which was quickly followed by singing angels. But bacon alone is not enough, so here is my theoretical bacon dessert: Some sort of apple cobbler type thing with hot apples and cinnamon, broken up graham crackers and pieces of maple bacon. It’s still a work in progress, but think of the possible ramifications. Chocolate, like bacon, makes other things better. If these two culinary powers can be combined the results might cause my head to explode. I am mentally preparing myself now for this edible super-force to avoid any cranium damage.
I feel like I accomplished something here. I talked about bacon enough to raise my cholesterol, I used the word awesome more than anyone since 1991, and I got one step closer to realizing my vision. That step was having a vision. Some day, and that day may never come, bacon will be included in all the afore mentioned foods. I call it Bacon Day, the holiest of all the Judeo-Christian festivals (hypothetically). If that day comes during my life I will rejoice, for all of the work that I may or may not have actually done will not be in vain, and I will know that the forces of bacon triumphed over evil. Knibb High Football rules!
http://incredimazing.com/page/Bacon_Flowchart: Whoever made this peered into my soul.
Bacon’s awesomeness is self-evident, meaning its mere existence is enough proof it’s awesome. But its true power is unleashed when combined with other good foods. You see, bacon is a true superstar, and as such makes its teammates better, like Michael Jordan. This is better than a good food that doesn’t play well with others, like pop tarts, or Allen Iverson. So I got to thinking, bacon is so good at making other foods better, but has its deliciousness enhancing powers been fully explored? What foods could better utilize bacon for a fuller, more fulfilling eating experience?
Cheese
Bacon and cheese go together better than Arnold and 1 liners:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=64aJH2l_doY: I can’t wait for The Governator to come out
Virtually all foods with cheese can, and should, have bacon. Preferably melted, cheese offers a melty yin to bacon's crunchy yang, which helps to center one's Chi. This marriage of smoky goodness and creamy richness is no secret, but these two should be thought of as one entity, cheacon. I have a dream, when one day I can go to the grocery store and buy prepackaged cheacon. I have seen the mountain top, and it is delicious.
Hamburger/Sandwich
For centuries man has known of the impact bacon can have on a sandwich. Yet, I still feel it is being underutilized. I don’t know if a cheeseburger is even worthwhile without bacon, unless maybe it has sauteed mushrooms. It already has cheese, which can always be paired with bacon (see above). Whenever I’m eating a baconless sandwich I say to myself, “Self, what would make this sandwich better?” We all know the answer to that.
Here’s a sandwich recipe that is guaranteed to be delicious: Unstale bread, bacon, cheese, another meat (chicken, turkey, hamburger, more bacon), some sort of sauce. Bam! Flavor town.
http://carefulthought.files.wordpress.com/2007/04/bacon5.jpg: Bacon makes anything better, even bacon
There are literally trillions of comcastic combinations. Here are two that work for all time constraints and income brackets.
Bacon/cheddar/bbq sauce plus chicken breast or hamburger on pumpernickel
Bacon/Swiss (or havarti if you can handle nirvana)/ranch plus chicken breast or hamburger and pepper to taste on sourdough.
Excuse me, I have to go make both of these right now.
Tacos (or any Mexican food)
Those were delicious. Building from the example burgers have given, we see bacon and hamburger meat play well together. This doesn’t need any more explanation. Tortilla + cheese + meat + bacon + whatever the hell else is in Mexican food = best thing on any Mexican menu. I’m surprised the Mexicans dropped the ball on this.
Lasagna (or any Italian food)
For years I have wrestled with a way to incorporate bacon in one of the marvels of culinary science, lasagna. Whether crunchy or chewy, bacon’s texture does not go with lasagna’s consistency. I will continue to experiment, but let’s think about bacon’s use in past dishes in general. Some might say that real Italian food doesn’t use bacon (Neal Allen). This is a bold faced lie. Italians made their own bacon, pancetta. Take a sheet of bacon, throw on some pepper and other spices, then roll it up and slice it. Now you have pancetta. This stuff is great in red and white sauces, on pizza or in panini’s. Of course, if you don’t want to pay extra for a fancy name you can put some pepper on bacon and your back in the old country, a.k.a. flavor country.
Vegetables
Vegetables suck. Children know this instinctively, and must be tricked into eating them through various means of nefarious deception. One such way is using a dipping sauce like ranch, and we’ve already established that bacon and ranch both play for team awesome. Throwing in vegetables just adds health to the equation.
General Tso’s Chicken (or any Chinese food)
Ok, I know it’s getting a little crazy, but stay with me. Imagine some nice crispy bacon pieces in tso sauce. I bet bacon would go well with some Peiking duck. Think of bacon as savor sprinkles: just sprinkle some bacon pieces on any robust meal and you’ve just raised the overall awesomeness by 10%.
Seafood
Seafood is delicious, so it doesn’t need to be overpowered with bacon. However, bacon-wrapped scallops are the best Super Bowl snack according to some (http://www.realclearsports.com/blog/2008/01/rcs_favorites_super_bowl_snack_1.html), goes well in lobster bisque, and I think a little bacon sprinkled over shrimp or in butter sauce for lobster would do the soul good.
Indian Food
“They aren't allowed to use bacon, I think. But we can!” – Andrew MacDonald
There are actually several distinct types of curry, and I gotta believe all of them could use a hot bacon injection. There are a lot of exotic flavors used in Indian food which I know nothing about, but I do know something about the nature of bacon. India should put their nuclear program on hold and get their top minds on the bacon infusion equation. This could end the bloodshed in Kashmir…ok, maybe not, but it won’t make it worse…except Muslims don’t eat pork so it might. Looks like I’ll have to take care of this myself.
Hot Cinnamon Apple Dessert
Bacon has conquered breakfast and lunch and the dinner campaign is going well. Dessert is the final frontier, the undiscovered country. Recently I was introduced to candied bacon, which was quickly followed by singing angels. But bacon alone is not enough, so here is my theoretical bacon dessert: Some sort of apple cobbler type thing with hot apples and cinnamon, broken up graham crackers and pieces of maple bacon. It’s still a work in progress, but think of the possible ramifications. Chocolate, like bacon, makes other things better. If these two culinary powers can be combined the results might cause my head to explode. I am mentally preparing myself now for this edible super-force to avoid any cranium damage.
I feel like I accomplished something here. I talked about bacon enough to raise my cholesterol, I used the word awesome more than anyone since 1991, and I got one step closer to realizing my vision. That step was having a vision. Some day, and that day may never come, bacon will be included in all the afore mentioned foods. I call it Bacon Day, the holiest of all the Judeo-Christian festivals (hypothetically). If that day comes during my life I will rejoice, for all of the work that I may or may not have actually done will not be in vain, and I will know that the forces of bacon triumphed over evil. Knibb High Football rules!
Monday, February 11, 2008
The Shaq Era
The history of the NBA can be divided into distinct eras. There was the Celtic’s Dynasty of the 50’s and 60’s. The ABA revolt of the 70’s, during which no team or player dominated. The eighties were defined by Magic vs. Bird. And then there was his Airness, whose power was so great the NBA is still trying to recover from his absence. So what force has controlled the Landscape since MJ’s departure?
Shaq.
He was the diesel engine that powered the Lakers to the only Jordan-less Threepeat in 4 decades. This team was so good the nation cheered when the boring ass pistons beat them. The only other team to win besides those Pistons, the Spurs and Shaq’s Lakers: Shaq’s Heat. Even looking back to when Jordan took a break, the year he came back he lost to the Magic, who Shaq dragged to the finals.
He’s led 3 different teams to 6 finals, winning 4. Is it so crazy to believe he can do it with a fourth?
There is a very clear slope of how dependant the team has been on Shaq over his career (apparently blogs don't support excel charts that measure Shaqosity. Picture shaqs line sloping down and his sidekick's sloping up). Just look at his wingman. He made a Penny valuable enough to have a Lil Penny voiced by Chris Rock. How many endorsements has he gotten since Shaq moved to Tinsel Town? Kobe was an upgrade, but Kobe wasn’t the player he is now back in 2000. That was Shaq’s team. Big Aristotle gave Kobe the cushion to develop into the best player in the league, picking up 3 rings along the way. By the time he moved back to the beach Shaq was ready to pass the reigns to someone else, and D Wade was the right player to give them too. This was Wade’s team, but Wade doesn’t become Wade without Shaq.
Now he gets to go to the Desert and play alongside a full grown star for the first time in his career. Instead of Shaq making his teammates better, Nash will make Shaq better. I know, he’s too old. He was too old when he left LA, too. Ok, now he’s REALLY too old, and injured. Phoenix has one of the best training staffs in sports. If they can fix Grant Hill’s ankle, they can squeeze half a season out of O’Neal.
Shaq can’t play in Phoenix’s perpetual fast break offense. He doesn’t have to. Nash and the speedsters can run up the court when it’s there and when it’s not now they can actually score in a half court offense. Forget about what the Suns were for a minute. Out of the contenders in the West, what point guard is better than Nash? What frontcourt is better than Amare and Shaq? Gasol-Bynum? Duncan-Umberto? Now throw in Bell, Diaw, Barbosa, and Hill. Sounds like a Championship caliber squad to me.
There are a lot of good teams this year and it’s hard to name a favorite. I’m just not ready to say the Sun has set on the Shaq Era. Never doubt the heart of a Champion, and never tell a 350 pound Champion he can’t do something.
Shaq.
He was the diesel engine that powered the Lakers to the only Jordan-less Threepeat in 4 decades. This team was so good the nation cheered when the boring ass pistons beat them. The only other team to win besides those Pistons, the Spurs and Shaq’s Lakers: Shaq’s Heat. Even looking back to when Jordan took a break, the year he came back he lost to the Magic, who Shaq dragged to the finals.
He’s led 3 different teams to 6 finals, winning 4. Is it so crazy to believe he can do it with a fourth?
There is a very clear slope of how dependant the team has been on Shaq over his career (apparently blogs don't support excel charts that measure Shaqosity. Picture shaqs line sloping down and his sidekick's sloping up). Just look at his wingman. He made a Penny valuable enough to have a Lil Penny voiced by Chris Rock. How many endorsements has he gotten since Shaq moved to Tinsel Town? Kobe was an upgrade, but Kobe wasn’t the player he is now back in 2000. That was Shaq’s team. Big Aristotle gave Kobe the cushion to develop into the best player in the league, picking up 3 rings along the way. By the time he moved back to the beach Shaq was ready to pass the reigns to someone else, and D Wade was the right player to give them too. This was Wade’s team, but Wade doesn’t become Wade without Shaq.
Now he gets to go to the Desert and play alongside a full grown star for the first time in his career. Instead of Shaq making his teammates better, Nash will make Shaq better. I know, he’s too old. He was too old when he left LA, too. Ok, now he’s REALLY too old, and injured. Phoenix has one of the best training staffs in sports. If they can fix Grant Hill’s ankle, they can squeeze half a season out of O’Neal.
Shaq can’t play in Phoenix’s perpetual fast break offense. He doesn’t have to. Nash and the speedsters can run up the court when it’s there and when it’s not now they can actually score in a half court offense. Forget about what the Suns were for a minute. Out of the contenders in the West, what point guard is better than Nash? What frontcourt is better than Amare and Shaq? Gasol-Bynum? Duncan-Umberto? Now throw in Bell, Diaw, Barbosa, and Hill. Sounds like a Championship caliber squad to me.
There are a lot of good teams this year and it’s hard to name a favorite. I’m just not ready to say the Sun has set on the Shaq Era. Never doubt the heart of a Champion, and never tell a 350 pound Champion he can’t do something.
Monday, February 4, 2008
No TV and Beer Make Homer Something Something
Seeing as I’ve conquered both the sports and movie world (see previous posts), I’ve decided to expand my empire to the realm of television. The problem is approximately 80% of TV is unwatchable. This means 2 things: A) there’s so much crap everywhere some of it gets mistaken for entertainment. And 2) since people are eating crap and raving about its subtle, nutty flavor, good TV is missed and sometimes gets cancelled. I have decided to help correct this problem by alerting my vast readership (we’re closing in on double digits!) To avoid the more flagrant violators of worthless television and look for some more creative, or at least more ridiculous means of wasting time.
Part A: Opiates’ for the Masses
“What you've just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.” –Principal from Billy Madison
That pretty much sums it up. These shows will hurt your head, as exploding brain cells tend to be painful. In lieu of watching these shows, I suggest a nice glass of turpentine, a hit of oregano, or perhaps a hammer to the old noggin.
Guess the Number (a.k.a. Deal or No Deal)
Can anybody tell me why Howie Mandel is famous? His best work was the intros to Bobby’s World (Donchyaknow). “Well $148,000 is tempting, but I just know 18 is the one.”
My Super Sweet 16
“I’m rich, so I don’t have to think or have a legitimate reason to breathe.” And this is entertaining because…?
I Love New York
It was apparent from the beginning that reality TV was worthless. I wasn’t too worried because the substance was so miniscule that ratings couldn’t possibly last and the fad would end. A decade and Emmy category later I am concerned about the state of the nation. New York is that rare talent who became famous through reality TV and was able to spin that into more reality TV.
Oprah
Oprah is very smart. People that watch Oprah are not. In the history of man, has a conversation that started with “Did you see yesterdays Oprah” ever been enlightening or in any way useful. And since an hour just isn’t enough time to cover everything that doesn’t matter, there will soon be an Oprah channel…simply stunning.
Part 2: Diamonds in the Rough (Aladdin: Best Disney movie ever?)
Now that my blood pressure has gone back down from part A, let’s talk about happy things. I admit I don’t watch a lot of television, probably not enough to write this. But in between sports and movies there are a handful of shows I catch every episode of. Unfortunately a lot of good TV is on pay channels and/or is on late, but that’s ok because kids shouldn’t be watching this crap. But if you’re depraved like me, read on.
4. Weeds
Most people who watch this show are going to overrate it, but despite that it’s still really good. Not so much laugh out loud funny, the insane situations created by the entire premise are funny and the characters/acting is fantastic.
3. South Park
I can’t think of a show with a better case for most socially relevant. Cast aside for its crude animation and humor, South Park covers social and cultural topics no one else will touch, and are able to do it in a timely manner.
2. Flight of the Concords
England is to: The Beatles as New Zealand is to:
A: Kiwi’s
B: Hobbits
C: Where’s Old Zealand?
D Flight of the Concords!
1. The Boondocks
Every time I see someone I haven’t seen in a while I somehow bring this show up and tell them to watch it. It is the most offensive and the smartest show on TV. Although it would never happen do to its extreme non political correctness (I might get fired if I ever mention this show at work), showing this in school might end racism in America as we know it. Plus Charlie “Darkness is Spreading” Murphy and Samuel “The L stands for Bad Ass Mothafucka” Jackson voice two white guys.
Part A: Opiates’ for the Masses
“What you've just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.” –Principal from Billy Madison
That pretty much sums it up. These shows will hurt your head, as exploding brain cells tend to be painful. In lieu of watching these shows, I suggest a nice glass of turpentine, a hit of oregano, or perhaps a hammer to the old noggin.
Guess the Number (a.k.a. Deal or No Deal)
Can anybody tell me why Howie Mandel is famous? His best work was the intros to Bobby’s World (Donchyaknow). “Well $148,000 is tempting, but I just know 18 is the one.”
My Super Sweet 16
“I’m rich, so I don’t have to think or have a legitimate reason to breathe.” And this is entertaining because…?
I Love New York
It was apparent from the beginning that reality TV was worthless. I wasn’t too worried because the substance was so miniscule that ratings couldn’t possibly last and the fad would end. A decade and Emmy category later I am concerned about the state of the nation. New York is that rare talent who became famous through reality TV and was able to spin that into more reality TV.
Oprah
Oprah is very smart. People that watch Oprah are not. In the history of man, has a conversation that started with “Did you see yesterdays Oprah” ever been enlightening or in any way useful. And since an hour just isn’t enough time to cover everything that doesn’t matter, there will soon be an Oprah channel…simply stunning.
Part 2: Diamonds in the Rough (Aladdin: Best Disney movie ever?)
Now that my blood pressure has gone back down from part A, let’s talk about happy things. I admit I don’t watch a lot of television, probably not enough to write this. But in between sports and movies there are a handful of shows I catch every episode of. Unfortunately a lot of good TV is on pay channels and/or is on late, but that’s ok because kids shouldn’t be watching this crap. But if you’re depraved like me, read on.
4. Weeds
Most people who watch this show are going to overrate it, but despite that it’s still really good. Not so much laugh out loud funny, the insane situations created by the entire premise are funny and the characters/acting is fantastic.
3. South Park
I can’t think of a show with a better case for most socially relevant. Cast aside for its crude animation and humor, South Park covers social and cultural topics no one else will touch, and are able to do it in a timely manner.
2. Flight of the Concords
England is to: The Beatles as New Zealand is to:
A: Kiwi’s
B: Hobbits
C: Where’s Old Zealand?
D Flight of the Concords!
1. The Boondocks
Every time I see someone I haven’t seen in a while I somehow bring this show up and tell them to watch it. It is the most offensive and the smartest show on TV. Although it would never happen do to its extreme non political correctness (I might get fired if I ever mention this show at work), showing this in school might end racism in America as we know it. Plus Charlie “Darkness is Spreading” Murphy and Samuel “The L stands for Bad Ass Mothafucka” Jackson voice two white guys.
Monday, January 28, 2008
NBA Mid Season Report
“I don’t like NBA basketball.”
“The NBA is boring.”
“I love lamp.”
Over and over again I have heard these sentiments, and not without merit. A 48 minute professional game can’t compete with the intensity of a 40 minute college game, even if the talent is better. But over the last decade the problem with the NBA, which some may have mistaken as a permanent problem, was a decline in talent. Jordan’s last run with the Bulls may have covered up the decreasing number of championship caliber teams. In the last 9 NBA seasons only a handful of teams have contended: Spurs, Pistons, Lakers, Suns, and the Mavs (I guess). The heat had one good year but the other 8 titles were split by three teams who were either playing each other or handling someone who didn’t have a chance. There were still superstars, but they didn’t have anybody around them, which resulted with one on one games with 8 guys standing around.
That may all be changing this year. Some upstarts are coming out of the woodwork and challanging the established powerhouses. In the West, where perennials San Antonio, Dallas, and Phoenix reign supreme, half way through the season the first seed is the Hornets? I remember when the NBA reorganized and New Orleans was sacrificed to the West. Now some guy named David West has them hanging with the big boys. Also competing for the biggest surprise is the Blazers who, despite losing their franchise draft pick Greg Oden, are winning with a young nucleus of lottery pick talent: Roy, Jack, Aldridge, and Blake (not to mention Green and McRoberts).
For the first time since Shaq left tinsel town the Lakers look like more than Kobe and the guys from Semi-Pro (In theaters Feb. 29). Yes, Kobe’s an ass, but he’s still the best player in the league and I’d rather watch him play for a good team. The Jazz are solid, the Rockets have Yao and McGrittle, and The Nuggets have Melo, A.I, and Camby. Oh yeah, there’s still the Spurs, the best team this decade, the Suns who, born from a marriage of an Italian mustache and a bad Canadian haircut have created some sort of crack fueled perpetual fast break, and the Mavericks who, although I don’t think will ever win a title, are going to be in the mix.
While the West continues to be the deeper conference, the East has developed a few teams to compete against the juggernauts. Never doubt the heart of a champion, and the Pistons look like they found their heart again. They remembered they can play defense, and have a better offense than when they won the Championship.
The Magic have Dwight Howard, who proves both the center art form is still alive and is not obsolete. If anybody doesn’t want a guy that gives you 22 pints and 15 rebounds, please raise your hand, so I can come over and bitch smack you. Howard, who at age 22 is putting up numbers only Wilt Chamberlain has achieved, is a perfect complement to great guard play. Jameer Nelson is a good threat, Rashard Lewis is overpaid but still damn good, and sometime between 2003 (the last time I saw him) and now Hedo Turkoglu learned how to drive.
This season Lebron James has finally started living up to his hype. He was good before, and led his team to the Finals last year, but this year he’s doing it all and is having the closest thing to a triple-double season this side of Big O.
And then there’s the Celtics. In an era of World Series Red Sox and Undefeated Patriots it’s so hard not to hate the Celtics. But I don’t. They have 3 of the top 15-20 players in the league playing to win every night. They don’t care about stats or contract extensions, they just want to win. This hasn’t happened since kids started becoming millionaires on draft day. They play start to finish every game like, well, like a college team.
And that’s what makes basketball exciting: Good players on good teams playing great basketball. As recent as last season there were only 3 or 4 teams I was excited to watch. Now there are at least 10, and it’s only halfway through the season. I love this game!
“The NBA is boring.”
“I love lamp.”
Over and over again I have heard these sentiments, and not without merit. A 48 minute professional game can’t compete with the intensity of a 40 minute college game, even if the talent is better. But over the last decade the problem with the NBA, which some may have mistaken as a permanent problem, was a decline in talent. Jordan’s last run with the Bulls may have covered up the decreasing number of championship caliber teams. In the last 9 NBA seasons only a handful of teams have contended: Spurs, Pistons, Lakers, Suns, and the Mavs (I guess). The heat had one good year but the other 8 titles were split by three teams who were either playing each other or handling someone who didn’t have a chance. There were still superstars, but they didn’t have anybody around them, which resulted with one on one games with 8 guys standing around.
That may all be changing this year. Some upstarts are coming out of the woodwork and challanging the established powerhouses. In the West, where perennials San Antonio, Dallas, and Phoenix reign supreme, half way through the season the first seed is the Hornets? I remember when the NBA reorganized and New Orleans was sacrificed to the West. Now some guy named David West has them hanging with the big boys. Also competing for the biggest surprise is the Blazers who, despite losing their franchise draft pick Greg Oden, are winning with a young nucleus of lottery pick talent: Roy, Jack, Aldridge, and Blake (not to mention Green and McRoberts).
For the first time since Shaq left tinsel town the Lakers look like more than Kobe and the guys from Semi-Pro (In theaters Feb. 29). Yes, Kobe’s an ass, but he’s still the best player in the league and I’d rather watch him play for a good team. The Jazz are solid, the Rockets have Yao and McGrittle, and The Nuggets have Melo, A.I, and Camby. Oh yeah, there’s still the Spurs, the best team this decade, the Suns who, born from a marriage of an Italian mustache and a bad Canadian haircut have created some sort of crack fueled perpetual fast break, and the Mavericks who, although I don’t think will ever win a title, are going to be in the mix.
While the West continues to be the deeper conference, the East has developed a few teams to compete against the juggernauts. Never doubt the heart of a champion, and the Pistons look like they found their heart again. They remembered they can play defense, and have a better offense than when they won the Championship.
The Magic have Dwight Howard, who proves both the center art form is still alive and is not obsolete. If anybody doesn’t want a guy that gives you 22 pints and 15 rebounds, please raise your hand, so I can come over and bitch smack you. Howard, who at age 22 is putting up numbers only Wilt Chamberlain has achieved, is a perfect complement to great guard play. Jameer Nelson is a good threat, Rashard Lewis is overpaid but still damn good, and sometime between 2003 (the last time I saw him) and now Hedo Turkoglu learned how to drive.
This season Lebron James has finally started living up to his hype. He was good before, and led his team to the Finals last year, but this year he’s doing it all and is having the closest thing to a triple-double season this side of Big O.
And then there’s the Celtics. In an era of World Series Red Sox and Undefeated Patriots it’s so hard not to hate the Celtics. But I don’t. They have 3 of the top 15-20 players in the league playing to win every night. They don’t care about stats or contract extensions, they just want to win. This hasn’t happened since kids started becoming millionaires on draft day. They play start to finish every game like, well, like a college team.
And that’s what makes basketball exciting: Good players on good teams playing great basketball. As recent as last season there were only 3 or 4 teams I was excited to watch. Now there are at least 10, and it’s only halfway through the season. I love this game!
Monday, January 21, 2008
Scott’s World of Sports
There isn’t one topic which has drawn my interest, so I’m going to talk about a few things, which is another way of talking about nothing. First, let’s review the Championship games. There are a few things that can be taken away from this weekend. First and foremost, playoff football in freezing temperatures is great. It’s rare because there are only 4 or 5 venues that can get cold enough for TV viewers to feel how miserable the players are. Two of those places are Boston and Green Bay. The combination of the intensity of the playoffs and the partially frozen players make for a plethora of bone jarring hits, especially in the Green Bay game. (Note: plethora is a SAT word. It means a lot. I like to use it because it was featured in The Three Amigos: “You wouldn’t say I had a plethora of piñatas if you didn’t know what a plethora means, would you?”)
Which leads us to point #2…I guess. Although the games were better than expected the outcomes were not. Along with the rest of America, every step the Patriots take toward a perfect season makes me die a little inside. Once I got over the Cowboys loss (I say get over, but you never really get over a tragedy like that, you just learn to get by), I was ready for a great QB showdown with Favre and Brady. EHHH! Wrong again. Looks like we have a second straight Super Bowl with a Manning boy. The Giants did earn the right to play in this game. They won three playoff games on the road, including the two top seeds in the NFC. But that doesn’t mean I’m excited about a Giants-Patriots matchup. Their regular season finale was good, so maybe I’ll be surprised like I was this weekend. I’m just not as hyped for the Super bowl as I was for the last month. My hearts been broken too many times…
So it’s on to college basketball. I love conference play, because every single game is a rivalry for at least one of the schools. Duke probably doesn’t care about Clemson too much, but Clemson loves to beat Duke. The crowd atmosphere is something that can never be duplicated in the NBA, and that intensity spills on to the court. Sometimes I think the talent level in the NBA is too high, and a lot of things you see in college go away. There are no presses, no sick Syracuse 3-2 zone. There isn’t enough second help, or swinging the ball around the perimeter for the open three. I like NBA basketball, but it’s hard to be entrenched in a game from start to finish. The last six minutes are about equal to the first half of a good college game. A NBA playoff game is probably as good as a regular season college game, but nothing can touch tournament play. I don’t want to get too far ahead of myself, because I’m sure some drunken thesis will emerge in early march, but NCAA basketball rocks.
You know what else rocks? Bar-b-queue. Bar-b-queue is in men’s blood. The molasses helps us bleed less. One of my goals in life is to go on a bar-b-queue tour and test the four distinct types of American bar-b-queue: Carolina, Memphis, Kansas City, and, I think, Texas. I don’t know what made me think of that. It needs to get hot again so I can grill.
So, in summation: Boo Giants-Patriots. Yay College basketball. Bar-b-queue kicks ass. Go bacon. Bacon wasn’t mentioned here, but the condiment of meats deserves recognition at all times, regardless of relevance. In fact, let’s talk about bacon for a minute. Bacon makes things better. It an awesomeness enhancer. It makes an ordinary sandwich twice as good. Wrap a steak with bacon and you get bacon flavored steak AND steak flavored bacon. I’ve even learned of candied bacon. This is wonderful because desert was the last course I needed bacon in. Some people use potpourri or scented candles in their house. I cook bacon, and the house is filled with a pleasing aroma for the rest of the day. I don’t know if the Super Bowl is going to be good or not, but I’m gonna throw some bacon, cheese and toast together, perhaps fried, and it’s going to be a good Sunday.
Which leads us to point #2…I guess. Although the games were better than expected the outcomes were not. Along with the rest of America, every step the Patriots take toward a perfect season makes me die a little inside. Once I got over the Cowboys loss (I say get over, but you never really get over a tragedy like that, you just learn to get by), I was ready for a great QB showdown with Favre and Brady. EHHH! Wrong again. Looks like we have a second straight Super Bowl with a Manning boy. The Giants did earn the right to play in this game. They won three playoff games on the road, including the two top seeds in the NFC. But that doesn’t mean I’m excited about a Giants-Patriots matchup. Their regular season finale was good, so maybe I’ll be surprised like I was this weekend. I’m just not as hyped for the Super bowl as I was for the last month. My hearts been broken too many times…
So it’s on to college basketball. I love conference play, because every single game is a rivalry for at least one of the schools. Duke probably doesn’t care about Clemson too much, but Clemson loves to beat Duke. The crowd atmosphere is something that can never be duplicated in the NBA, and that intensity spills on to the court. Sometimes I think the talent level in the NBA is too high, and a lot of things you see in college go away. There are no presses, no sick Syracuse 3-2 zone. There isn’t enough second help, or swinging the ball around the perimeter for the open three. I like NBA basketball, but it’s hard to be entrenched in a game from start to finish. The last six minutes are about equal to the first half of a good college game. A NBA playoff game is probably as good as a regular season college game, but nothing can touch tournament play. I don’t want to get too far ahead of myself, because I’m sure some drunken thesis will emerge in early march, but NCAA basketball rocks.
You know what else rocks? Bar-b-queue. Bar-b-queue is in men’s blood. The molasses helps us bleed less. One of my goals in life is to go on a bar-b-queue tour and test the four distinct types of American bar-b-queue: Carolina, Memphis, Kansas City, and, I think, Texas. I don’t know what made me think of that. It needs to get hot again so I can grill.
So, in summation: Boo Giants-Patriots. Yay College basketball. Bar-b-queue kicks ass. Go bacon. Bacon wasn’t mentioned here, but the condiment of meats deserves recognition at all times, regardless of relevance. In fact, let’s talk about bacon for a minute. Bacon makes things better. It an awesomeness enhancer. It makes an ordinary sandwich twice as good. Wrap a steak with bacon and you get bacon flavored steak AND steak flavored bacon. I’ve even learned of candied bacon. This is wonderful because desert was the last course I needed bacon in. Some people use potpourri or scented candles in their house. I cook bacon, and the house is filled with a pleasing aroma for the rest of the day. I don’t know if the Super Bowl is going to be good or not, but I’m gonna throw some bacon, cheese and toast together, perhaps fried, and it’s going to be a good Sunday.
Thursday, January 17, 2008
America’s Team Loses, and so does America
The Cowboys are always among the most loved franchises in sports. They are also among the most hated. Whichever side you’re on you have to be disappointed the Cowboys are not in the NFC Championship. You should also feel the same way about the Colts’ defeat, regardless of what you think of them. All season long there have been four teams who consistently differentiated themselves from the league. 3 of their combined 9 losses have come against each other, and 2 more came in week 17 when nothing was at stake, making them a combined 50-4 against the rest of the league thru week 16. Other teams came and went (“Are the Seahawks #2 in the NFC?” “Can the Steelers beat the Patriots?”), but these four started strong and never looked back, leading their respective divisions the entire season.
So after suffering through a season that featured around 20 utterly unwatchable teams and having to listen about a handful of other teams that were mistaken for good because they stacked up W’s against JV teams, NFL fans were finally ready to be treated to two great championship matchups. Favre would head back to Dallas to try to win at the one place he hasn’t through his whole career. This would renew a great rivalry born from a marriage of cold and water 40 years ago in the “Ice Bowl” and continued in the mid nineties. We would have to bear through another week of Romo/Favre comparisons, but once the game started we’d see two Pro Bowl quarterbacks leading great offenses for a chance to end their franchise’s decade long Super Bowl drought.
An even better match would take place in the AFC with winners of 3 of the last 4 Super Bowls. The Colts were finally able to overcome their Achilles heel last season and get past New England in the playoffs. Now the Pats get the chance to retake control of the series, and we’d be treated to another matchup of the top 2 quarterbacks of this era. The game in the regular season was the best game of the season, and this time Manning would have his entire arsenal, Harrison having missed the first go round.
But alas, those games will never happen. Instead we get to see Manning 2.0, the model Archie tried to recall but, according to Mrs. Manning, you can’t abort a five year old. Forgive me if I’m not excited about this monumental moment. Not only was my season long dream weekend ruined, but my professional psychic application took a serious hit since the odds of my Cowboys over Patriots Super Bowl have severely diminished. Eli obviously isn’t his brother. He’s done a nice job managing games the last few weeks, but he’s supposed to be a franchise quarterback, not a journeyman level QB with a good defense. I feel bad for him, because if his last name wasn’t Manning he wouldn’t take nearly as much heat. But it is and he’s a former number one pick who isn’t one of the 10 QB’s in the league, and he never will be.
The Chargers/Pats is still a good matchup, just not as good. For some reason the Chargers have always played well against the Colts, dating back to when they stopped their perfect season a few years back. That knack does not carry over to other undefeated teams. I’d love to see Tomlinson (there is still only one LT) in the Super Bowl, but I can’t imagine a Norv Turner led team beating a team that’s 17-0. Phillip River’s looks like he’s looking for a title from the crown. Perhaps Duke of Douchebaggery befits a man of his stature.That’s the other thing that depresses me (drinking in a room alone depressed, not contemplating suicide depressed). The Cowboys and Colts were the two teams that had a legitimate chance at knocking off the Pats and ruining their perfect season. As much as I hate the Dolphins drinking that champagne every year, Belichick and the Pats taking over is worse. Now I can only hope that Brett Favre can pull off the upset of his career, jump on a horse, and ride off into the sinking Arizona sun.
So after suffering through a season that featured around 20 utterly unwatchable teams and having to listen about a handful of other teams that were mistaken for good because they stacked up W’s against JV teams, NFL fans were finally ready to be treated to two great championship matchups. Favre would head back to Dallas to try to win at the one place he hasn’t through his whole career. This would renew a great rivalry born from a marriage of cold and water 40 years ago in the “Ice Bowl” and continued in the mid nineties. We would have to bear through another week of Romo/Favre comparisons, but once the game started we’d see two Pro Bowl quarterbacks leading great offenses for a chance to end their franchise’s decade long Super Bowl drought.
An even better match would take place in the AFC with winners of 3 of the last 4 Super Bowls. The Colts were finally able to overcome their Achilles heel last season and get past New England in the playoffs. Now the Pats get the chance to retake control of the series, and we’d be treated to another matchup of the top 2 quarterbacks of this era. The game in the regular season was the best game of the season, and this time Manning would have his entire arsenal, Harrison having missed the first go round.
But alas, those games will never happen. Instead we get to see Manning 2.0, the model Archie tried to recall but, according to Mrs. Manning, you can’t abort a five year old. Forgive me if I’m not excited about this monumental moment. Not only was my season long dream weekend ruined, but my professional psychic application took a serious hit since the odds of my Cowboys over Patriots Super Bowl have severely diminished. Eli obviously isn’t his brother. He’s done a nice job managing games the last few weeks, but he’s supposed to be a franchise quarterback, not a journeyman level QB with a good defense. I feel bad for him, because if his last name wasn’t Manning he wouldn’t take nearly as much heat. But it is and he’s a former number one pick who isn’t one of the 10 QB’s in the league, and he never will be.
The Chargers/Pats is still a good matchup, just not as good. For some reason the Chargers have always played well against the Colts, dating back to when they stopped their perfect season a few years back. That knack does not carry over to other undefeated teams. I’d love to see Tomlinson (there is still only one LT) in the Super Bowl, but I can’t imagine a Norv Turner led team beating a team that’s 17-0. Phillip River’s looks like he’s looking for a title from the crown. Perhaps Duke of Douchebaggery befits a man of his stature.That’s the other thing that depresses me (drinking in a room alone depressed, not contemplating suicide depressed). The Cowboys and Colts were the two teams that had a legitimate chance at knocking off the Pats and ruining their perfect season. As much as I hate the Dolphins drinking that champagne every year, Belichick and the Pats taking over is worse. Now I can only hope that Brett Favre can pull off the upset of his career, jump on a horse, and ride off into the sinking Arizona sun.
Monday, January 14, 2008
We Who Are About to Get Wet, Salute You
We have just entered the best part of the year for sports. The bowl season just ended, giving way to the NFL playoffs. After the Super Bowl there’s about a month to watch college basketball to aid in making “smart” picks in March Madness (Go Shockers!). After March Madness, a.k.a nirvana, is the NBA playoffs, which may or may not be entertaining, depending on the level of involvement by the Pistons and Spurs. Then all we have all summer is baseball, which is right up there with competitive grass growing and hula-hoop-offs. Anytime the most exciting thing about a sport is Congressional testimony, that sport sucks. But I digress. The point of this post is that in the midst of this ½ year-long-sports-haven another sorely missed sporting event has once again cast its lot in the ring. It might not be as fun as the original, throwing Christians to lions, Roman version, but the new American Gladiators offers plenty of mindless, muscle-bound entertainment for all.
I’ve been waiting for this day for years. About 2 years ago, after months of phone calls and letters, which I never actually made or wrote but meant to, Gladiators began airing on ESPN Classic. I began sleeping better at night, knowing if I had the craving to watch grown men run around in steel balls like hamsters trying to land on buttons to release smoke, I could do so within 24 hours. Apparently I was not alone, as a month or two ago a commercial alerted me NBC saw fit to reincarnate the show and revitalize the spandex industry. I think my heart stopped for a second, then pumped irregularly until the date now engraved on my skull, January 6th, arrived.
Gladiators has been updated from the nineties' version with 21st century technology (water) and haircuts (not mullets). While it’s debatable whether these changes improve the show (I think one of the strengths of the old show was the mullet to non-mullet ratio, better than 4 to 1) All of the action that made it great before is still there. Weekend Warriors and housewives are getting decked, dropped, bruised and concussed in all the Gladiatorial events I grew to love as a kid.
This crop of Gladiators seems to be good, too. Most of them are mixed martial artists, so aside from being larger than normal humans they can actually move and know how to inflict pain. My favorites became apparent almost instantaneously. (The Big Bad) Wolf has a signature howl and is big and hairy, kinda like me. Most important, he has solid Gladiator skills, as witnessed in Pyramid, Hang Tough, Gauntlet, and, most notably, Power Ball. The pick of the litter of the ladies is obviously Crush. There was a guy in the Audience holding a sign that said, “I have a Crush on Crush.” My sign would say, “I’d Crush that!” She is the only one that looks like a woman, and she already exploded a girls head in The Joust by hitting her in the face about 50 times. I also love this quote from her in an ESPN Page 2 article: “I’m not used to training with weapons.” (Crush is 5-0 in MMA).
Some of the events do appear to have taken a step backwards. Earthquake doesn’t seem to be as good as Breakthrough and Conquer, which had a football and wrestling portion. Assault, quite possibly the best game in the original, is now too complicated (You have to find an arrow at one station to load in a gun at the next? What is this, Double Dare?!), although hurling the Gladiator backwards into water does beat smoke going off. Hang Tough has shrunk the ring field down considerably, effectively eliminating the chase component of the event. Hit and Run, a new event, is taken from Extreme Eliminator Challenge and isn’t as good without the goofy translated commentary.
And then there’s the Eliminator. All of the parts involving Gladiators have been removed, including the end where a Gladiator stood behind one of two doors for each contestant. But this version is definitely harder. It has incorporated some Japanese ideas (Hugging a huge wheel that spins the person around is from Ninja Warrior). It may be less exciting and slower, but that’s because the contestants are utterly exhausted. By the time they get to the reverse escalator at the end (previously at the beginning) some can’t even make it up. I don’t know if I like that part, because it doesn’t matter who did the best in the games or the rest of the Eliminator, but who can climb up that damn treadmill on the first try. I do appreciate the players collapsing through the finish wall rather than running, a testament to the physical toll the Eliminator charges.
So American Gladiators isn’t perfect. It still has too many commercials and interviews filled with clichés (“I just want to give it my best 110%, focus on this event and prove I have what it takes to be here…”), and maybe Hulk Hogan is getting a little old and forgot you can use sentences without saying “Brother.” But until The Coliseum reopens and men armed with tridents and short swords battle to the death, I’ll take it.
I’ve been waiting for this day for years. About 2 years ago, after months of phone calls and letters, which I never actually made or wrote but meant to, Gladiators began airing on ESPN Classic. I began sleeping better at night, knowing if I had the craving to watch grown men run around in steel balls like hamsters trying to land on buttons to release smoke, I could do so within 24 hours. Apparently I was not alone, as a month or two ago a commercial alerted me NBC saw fit to reincarnate the show and revitalize the spandex industry. I think my heart stopped for a second, then pumped irregularly until the date now engraved on my skull, January 6th, arrived.
Gladiators has been updated from the nineties' version with 21st century technology (water) and haircuts (not mullets). While it’s debatable whether these changes improve the show (I think one of the strengths of the old show was the mullet to non-mullet ratio, better than 4 to 1) All of the action that made it great before is still there. Weekend Warriors and housewives are getting decked, dropped, bruised and concussed in all the Gladiatorial events I grew to love as a kid.
This crop of Gladiators seems to be good, too. Most of them are mixed martial artists, so aside from being larger than normal humans they can actually move and know how to inflict pain. My favorites became apparent almost instantaneously. (The Big Bad) Wolf has a signature howl and is big and hairy, kinda like me. Most important, he has solid Gladiator skills, as witnessed in Pyramid, Hang Tough, Gauntlet, and, most notably, Power Ball. The pick of the litter of the ladies is obviously Crush. There was a guy in the Audience holding a sign that said, “I have a Crush on Crush.” My sign would say, “I’d Crush that!” She is the only one that looks like a woman, and she already exploded a girls head in The Joust by hitting her in the face about 50 times. I also love this quote from her in an ESPN Page 2 article: “I’m not used to training with weapons.” (Crush is 5-0 in MMA).
Some of the events do appear to have taken a step backwards. Earthquake doesn’t seem to be as good as Breakthrough and Conquer, which had a football and wrestling portion. Assault, quite possibly the best game in the original, is now too complicated (You have to find an arrow at one station to load in a gun at the next? What is this, Double Dare?!), although hurling the Gladiator backwards into water does beat smoke going off. Hang Tough has shrunk the ring field down considerably, effectively eliminating the chase component of the event. Hit and Run, a new event, is taken from Extreme Eliminator Challenge and isn’t as good without the goofy translated commentary.
And then there’s the Eliminator. All of the parts involving Gladiators have been removed, including the end where a Gladiator stood behind one of two doors for each contestant. But this version is definitely harder. It has incorporated some Japanese ideas (Hugging a huge wheel that spins the person around is from Ninja Warrior). It may be less exciting and slower, but that’s because the contestants are utterly exhausted. By the time they get to the reverse escalator at the end (previously at the beginning) some can’t even make it up. I don’t know if I like that part, because it doesn’t matter who did the best in the games or the rest of the Eliminator, but who can climb up that damn treadmill on the first try. I do appreciate the players collapsing through the finish wall rather than running, a testament to the physical toll the Eliminator charges.
So American Gladiators isn’t perfect. It still has too many commercials and interviews filled with clichés (“I just want to give it my best 110%, focus on this event and prove I have what it takes to be here…”), and maybe Hulk Hogan is getting a little old and forgot you can use sentences without saying “Brother.” But until The Coliseum reopens and men armed with tridents and short swords battle to the death, I’ll take it.
Thursday, January 10, 2008
Most Underrated Actors
For every Yin there is a Yang, and for every Keanu Reeves there is a Christian Bale. This is the list of people that make me hate the people from the most overrated list, because if those people would just stop trying to pleasure me in ways that some might enjoy, but I do not, these people would have more time/resources/opportunities to love me down right. This list is pretty simple. These are people who might not be the first names when you think of blockbuster movie star, but they should be. I will see a movie they are in without knowing anything else (Ok, maybe not Charlize Theron, but She’s close). I would also like to point out since this is about good acting there will be fewer chances for hilarity, as comedy is based on pointing out the faults of others.
5. Johnny Depp
Johnny is low on this list because he is a big star. But looking at all the movies he’s done and all the risks he’s taken, he might be the best actor of this era. How can the guy from Donnie Brasco, Blow, and Pirates of the Caribbean be the same guy in What’s Eating Gilbert Grape, Fear and loathing in Las Vegas, and The Ninth Gate? You never know if he’s going to do some off the wall artsy film or a major Hollywood blockbuster, and that’s comcastic. I think he works with Tim Burton a little too much, but he’s Johnny Depp so he’ll do whatever the hell he wants. According to IMDB.com he’s rumored to be on for Sin City 2 and 3. CommenayEAha!
4. Charlize Theron
Charlize Theron is great because she is beautiful and she can act. She proved she has the sex appeal with the Italian Job and Aeon Flux. Now watch her go crazy in The Devil’s Advocate (“Shhh…do you hear that” Keanu:”No.” I give her credit for performing well with Keanu Reeves in the room), be a full out homicidal maniac in Monster, and throw in North Country for a serious drama. She also gets points for playing a mildly retarded girl on Arrested Development. I would take her over any actress in Hollywood for any given role. She isn’t the hottest of the hot, but she can actually act and she’s hotter than Hilary Swank.
Side note: She was in The Astronaut’s wife with Jonny Depp (#5)? How have I not heard of this movie?
3. Willem Dafoe
I love this guy. He really only plays side characters, but he is really good at it. I was about to shoot myself in the head with a Desert Eagle .50 before he showed up in the English Patient. Platoon: I’d serve for him. Boondock Saints: Coolest gay guy ever. The Life Aquatic: “Thanks. Thanks a lot for not picking me” (hilarious). I didn’t even recognize him in Shadow of the Vampire (If you haven’t seen this check it out. John Malkovich is in it. Maybe he should be on this list…hmmm). I don’t know if he could reach the same level of awesomness as the lead, but I’d love to find out. Step aside, Nick Cage, Willem Dafoe coming through!
2. Christian Bale
Christian Bale was number 1 for a long time, but after Batman Begins the world realized not only can this guy act, but he’s diesel (and what a body. Sorry, but Bale is number 1 on the men who bring out my homosexual tendencies list. Brad Pitt is #2, and Rosie O’Donnell is a close third). But before Batman he was in some great movies not a lot of people know about. American Psycho and Equilibrium are two of my favorites, and neither of those movies are as good with anyone else (I just found out Leonardo DiCaprio was originally cast for American Psycho. Just the thought of someone other than Bale in that makes me want to feed a cat to an ATM). The Machinist isn’t great, but he is great in it (the whole movie is basically “wow, he is a really good actor,” but the plot is so-so). He also proves, just as there can be bad actors in good movies, there can be good acting in Bad Movies. He played a good bad guy in Shaft and was good in The New World despite that movie being utterly pointless. Since Batman he’s kept the ball rolling with The Prestige, Rescue Dawn and 3:10 to Yuma, probably 3 of the 25 or so best movies in the last year and a half. I cannot wait for The Dark Knight.
1. Daniel Day-Lewis
There are 2 big reasons Daniel Day-Lewis isn’t showered with rose petals when he walks the streets (which he should be). He doesn’t make a lot of movies (9 in the last 19 years) and some of them are contemporary Irish themes, so American audiences don’t care. But He’s clearly choosing quality over quantity and his judgment of quality is pretty damn good. He is the only person I can unequivocally say “D-Days in it, it must be good” (Even Christian Bale had Reign of Fire). Look at every movie he has done in the last 2 decades.
My Left Foot: I haven’t seen it but he won an Oscar for it so I’m gonna.
The Last of the Mohicans: I think it’s better than Dances with Wolves. The final scene alone, with D-Day running up a mountain shooting 7ft long rifles on handed is enough to get me ready for the night (When Nike used the LoTM theme in a commercial I almost crapped my pants). It’s my favorite D-Day movie and my favorite Michael Mann movie.
The Age of Innocence: It’s kind of slow but good. It’s one of those movies that makes you hate the Puritan English for the upright morals we inherited from them. Winona Rider hurts it but Michelle Pfeifer makes up for it.
In the Name of the Father: This is a true story about a young Irishman framed for a terrorist bombing in England. The movie follows Lewis over 20 years or so and he does an amazing job showing the maturity of the character. The guy that played Kobayashi in The Usual Suspects is his dad. Good stuff.
The Crucible: Again, Winona tries to destroy this movie but D-Day doesn’t let her. It’s a great adaptation of the play and a good cast (besides shoplifter McGee). “Because it’s my name!” So good.
The Boxer: This is about a boxer in Belfast and the Catholic/Protestant conflict. Like In the name of the Father it didn’t do much in the US but it’s worth checking out.
Gangs of New York: I thought this movie was ok but Lewis steals it with his role as the Butcher. Who pulls off an authentic 19th century New York accent? I mean, who even tries such wild shenanigans? I was pissed he didn’t win best supporting actor.
The Ballad of Jack and Rose: I have never heard of this movie but I found it in the TV listings and am recording it this weekend.
There Will Be Blood: This movie just came out and the reviews I’ve read are gaudy (“best movie of the last few years”, “Lewis is amazing” “This movie is proof Ben Affleck should be hanged for crimes against humanity” (warning: quotes may not have actually come from printed reviews). It hasn’t been released nationally yet but it’s been a long time since I’ve been this excited about a movie.
Honerable Mention: John Malkovich
I almost forgot about Mr. Malkovich. He hasn’t done anything that I’ve seen in a while, but I’ll always watch In the Line of Fire, and he earns a gold star for a side character in a movie with his name in the title.
Honorable Mention: Paul Giamatti
I didn’t know where to put this guy: he’s so different from your stereotypical lead actor. He’s starred in some great small movies (American Splendor and Sideways), but is better known as a side guy (Pig vomit in Private Parts). He’s one of those guys you always like to see in a movie, like Steve Buscemi or Joe Pantoliano. Throw all those guys in a movie, add Willy Dafoe, maybe a Sam Jackson or Chris Walken. Now that’s something worth watching.
That gets me thinking. Here are some other actors who probably could have made this list, but didn’t:
John Torturro- Designated white guy in Spike Lee movies and has some memorable characters in good and not good movies (Quiz Show, The Big Labowski, Rounders, O Brother Where Art Thou, Mr. Deeds).
Joseph Gordon-Levitt-The kid from third rock has made some good movies under the radar. Watch Brick and The Lookout with The Dude himself, Jeff Bridges.
Ralph Feines- People sleep on this guy, but he does high quality work. Shindler’s List, Quiz Show, The English Patient, The Prince of Egypt, Red Dragon, The Constant Gardner.
Val Kilmer-Star of such 80’s classics as Real Genius and Willow, he’s also great in Tombstone, Heat, The Saint, and Kiss Kiss Bang Bang.
5. Johnny Depp
Johnny is low on this list because he is a big star. But looking at all the movies he’s done and all the risks he’s taken, he might be the best actor of this era. How can the guy from Donnie Brasco, Blow, and Pirates of the Caribbean be the same guy in What’s Eating Gilbert Grape, Fear and loathing in Las Vegas, and The Ninth Gate? You never know if he’s going to do some off the wall artsy film or a major Hollywood blockbuster, and that’s comcastic. I think he works with Tim Burton a little too much, but he’s Johnny Depp so he’ll do whatever the hell he wants. According to IMDB.com he’s rumored to be on for Sin City 2 and 3. CommenayEAha!
4. Charlize Theron
Charlize Theron is great because she is beautiful and she can act. She proved she has the sex appeal with the Italian Job and Aeon Flux. Now watch her go crazy in The Devil’s Advocate (“Shhh…do you hear that” Keanu:”No.” I give her credit for performing well with Keanu Reeves in the room), be a full out homicidal maniac in Monster, and throw in North Country for a serious drama. She also gets points for playing a mildly retarded girl on Arrested Development. I would take her over any actress in Hollywood for any given role. She isn’t the hottest of the hot, but she can actually act and she’s hotter than Hilary Swank.
Side note: She was in The Astronaut’s wife with Jonny Depp (#5)? How have I not heard of this movie?
3. Willem Dafoe
I love this guy. He really only plays side characters, but he is really good at it. I was about to shoot myself in the head with a Desert Eagle .50 before he showed up in the English Patient. Platoon: I’d serve for him. Boondock Saints: Coolest gay guy ever. The Life Aquatic: “Thanks. Thanks a lot for not picking me” (hilarious). I didn’t even recognize him in Shadow of the Vampire (If you haven’t seen this check it out. John Malkovich is in it. Maybe he should be on this list…hmmm). I don’t know if he could reach the same level of awesomness as the lead, but I’d love to find out. Step aside, Nick Cage, Willem Dafoe coming through!
2. Christian Bale
Christian Bale was number 1 for a long time, but after Batman Begins the world realized not only can this guy act, but he’s diesel (and what a body. Sorry, but Bale is number 1 on the men who bring out my homosexual tendencies list. Brad Pitt is #2, and Rosie O’Donnell is a close third). But before Batman he was in some great movies not a lot of people know about. American Psycho and Equilibrium are two of my favorites, and neither of those movies are as good with anyone else (I just found out Leonardo DiCaprio was originally cast for American Psycho. Just the thought of someone other than Bale in that makes me want to feed a cat to an ATM). The Machinist isn’t great, but he is great in it (the whole movie is basically “wow, he is a really good actor,” but the plot is so-so). He also proves, just as there can be bad actors in good movies, there can be good acting in Bad Movies. He played a good bad guy in Shaft and was good in The New World despite that movie being utterly pointless. Since Batman he’s kept the ball rolling with The Prestige, Rescue Dawn and 3:10 to Yuma, probably 3 of the 25 or so best movies in the last year and a half. I cannot wait for The Dark Knight.
1. Daniel Day-Lewis
There are 2 big reasons Daniel Day-Lewis isn’t showered with rose petals when he walks the streets (which he should be). He doesn’t make a lot of movies (9 in the last 19 years) and some of them are contemporary Irish themes, so American audiences don’t care. But He’s clearly choosing quality over quantity and his judgment of quality is pretty damn good. He is the only person I can unequivocally say “D-Days in it, it must be good” (Even Christian Bale had Reign of Fire). Look at every movie he has done in the last 2 decades.
My Left Foot: I haven’t seen it but he won an Oscar for it so I’m gonna.
The Last of the Mohicans: I think it’s better than Dances with Wolves. The final scene alone, with D-Day running up a mountain shooting 7ft long rifles on handed is enough to get me ready for the night (When Nike used the LoTM theme in a commercial I almost crapped my pants). It’s my favorite D-Day movie and my favorite Michael Mann movie.
The Age of Innocence: It’s kind of slow but good. It’s one of those movies that makes you hate the Puritan English for the upright morals we inherited from them. Winona Rider hurts it but Michelle Pfeifer makes up for it.
In the Name of the Father: This is a true story about a young Irishman framed for a terrorist bombing in England. The movie follows Lewis over 20 years or so and he does an amazing job showing the maturity of the character. The guy that played Kobayashi in The Usual Suspects is his dad. Good stuff.
The Crucible: Again, Winona tries to destroy this movie but D-Day doesn’t let her. It’s a great adaptation of the play and a good cast (besides shoplifter McGee). “Because it’s my name!” So good.
The Boxer: This is about a boxer in Belfast and the Catholic/Protestant conflict. Like In the name of the Father it didn’t do much in the US but it’s worth checking out.
Gangs of New York: I thought this movie was ok but Lewis steals it with his role as the Butcher. Who pulls off an authentic 19th century New York accent? I mean, who even tries such wild shenanigans? I was pissed he didn’t win best supporting actor.
The Ballad of Jack and Rose: I have never heard of this movie but I found it in the TV listings and am recording it this weekend.
There Will Be Blood: This movie just came out and the reviews I’ve read are gaudy (“best movie of the last few years”, “Lewis is amazing” “This movie is proof Ben Affleck should be hanged for crimes against humanity” (warning: quotes may not have actually come from printed reviews). It hasn’t been released nationally yet but it’s been a long time since I’ve been this excited about a movie.
Honerable Mention: John Malkovich
I almost forgot about Mr. Malkovich. He hasn’t done anything that I’ve seen in a while, but I’ll always watch In the Line of Fire, and he earns a gold star for a side character in a movie with his name in the title.
Honorable Mention: Paul Giamatti
I didn’t know where to put this guy: he’s so different from your stereotypical lead actor. He’s starred in some great small movies (American Splendor and Sideways), but is better known as a side guy (Pig vomit in Private Parts). He’s one of those guys you always like to see in a movie, like Steve Buscemi or Joe Pantoliano. Throw all those guys in a movie, add Willy Dafoe, maybe a Sam Jackson or Chris Walken. Now that’s something worth watching.
That gets me thinking. Here are some other actors who probably could have made this list, but didn’t:
John Torturro- Designated white guy in Spike Lee movies and has some memorable characters in good and not good movies (Quiz Show, The Big Labowski, Rounders, O Brother Where Art Thou, Mr. Deeds).
Joseph Gordon-Levitt-The kid from third rock has made some good movies under the radar. Watch Brick and The Lookout with The Dude himself, Jeff Bridges.
Ralph Feines- People sleep on this guy, but he does high quality work. Shindler’s List, Quiz Show, The English Patient, The Prince of Egypt, Red Dragon, The Constant Gardner.
Val Kilmer-Star of such 80’s classics as Real Genius and Willow, he’s also great in Tombstone, Heat, The Saint, and Kiss Kiss Bang Bang.
Monday, January 7, 2008
Top 5 Most Overrated Actors
I realize this has nothing to do with sports, but I couldn’t think of anything in sports to write about. And it really irritates when someone says something like “Nick Cage is really good” or "I can't wait for that new Ben Affleck movie" (yes, I have heard both of these things said). So, this is my list of the top 5 most overrated actors. How does one qualify for this list? If I’m watching a movie and start to imagine how the movie would be better with someone else (Think about Johnny Depp or Ethan Hawke in The Devil’s Advocate), or if the star actor makes me not want to watch something despite the rest of the cast (How have I not seen Captain Corelli’s Mandolin? It has Penelope Cruz and Christian Bale), they are in the running. Basically these are people I wish would go away and stop ruining good movies/making bad movies so I don’t have to sit through 2 ½ hours of some boring Sci-fi movie because someone thinks the guy that wrote the book is God.
5. Julia Roberts
I had a high school science teacher that always made a point that actors get paid more than actresses, and there was only one actress who could demand $10 million for a movie, Julia Roberts. Well I kinda think there should be no women that make that much. I was watching Ocean’s 11 when she’s introduced as this amazingly hot woman in slow motion and I immediately thought of 5 women who would be better. Her cleavage was the first to win an Academy Award for acting, and I think there are some more deserving chests out there (Fabio’s chest can really make you think). Try and tell me she’s worth $10 million after watching Conspiracy Theory, Stepmom, Notting Hill, Runaway Bride, Closer, and Mona Lisa Smile.
4. Keanu Reeves
Keanu is good when he is in the right environment, namely movies that don’t require him to act. Bill & Ted, Point Break, Speed, The Replacements and The Matrix were all good because He doesn’t have to do too much. But then he goes and tries to sneak in to dramas, thinking if he’s surrounded by talent we won’t notice he suffers from voice immodulation. It’s like one of those SAT questions where you have to pick which word doesn’t fit in the group. Watch Dangerous Liasons, Dracula, Much Ado About Nothing, or The Devil’s Advocate and see if you can find the actor who doesn’t belong in the movie. The reason Keanu isn’t higher on the list is because everyone knows he can’t act, and is therefore not overrated. But he is the worst actor in acting and is still in movies, so the fact that he is rated makes him overrated.
3. John Travolta
Travolta had two good movies in the 70’s, Saturday Night Fever and Grease. Then he had a great comeback with Pulp Fiction. What happened in between? Did we forget the timeless Look Who’s Talking trilogy (yeah, they made three of those. The third one was about dogs)? And since Pulp Fiction he’s blessed us with such classics as Broken Arrow- where he is out-acted by Howie Long, Phenomenon, Michael, Face/Off (more on this later), A Civil Action, Battlefield Earth- the first clue America got that scientologists are psycho, Be Cool-the unnecessary sequel to Get Shorty, which was pretty good, and Hairspray-where he proves he can act poorly as both sexes. He wasn’t even very good in Pulp Fiction. He’s probably the tenth best thing in that movie, between the gimp and Tarantino.
2. Nicholas Cage
What pisses me off most about Nicholas Cage is he wanted to be the next James Bond, and got mad when he wasn’t picked, saying James Bond doesn’t have to be British. 1) Yes he does. 2) Maybe if you could do an accent it wouldn’t be a problem. 3) Aside from nationality let’s go over everything else a Bond needs which you don’t have.
Be an action star: Nick keeps trying but I don’t think it’s working. The Rock is good but overrated. Con Air is proof of my previous statement he can’t do accents (People from the South are from the South in every scene, Nick). Face/Off features two guys who can’t act acting like they’re the other one, and somehow managing to do a bad job, and I’m not even taking into account the plot hole that putting on someone else’s face doesn’t change bone structure or height. Gone in 60 Seconds is basically The Fast and the Furious, and I think that has a better Bond in it (Vin Diesel). National Treasure: Hey, we didn’t get the rights to the Da Vinci Code, so let’s just do the same thing only in America (Ok, the movie was fun but I didn’t need to see it again). Ghost Rider: I was bored enough to watch this the other week. I also watched Stomp the Yard. Ghost Rider wins, but only because Eva Mendes is fiyiyine!
Be a good actor: Though not necessarily a requirement for Bond, it helps. If I stringed together clips from every movie Cage has done, it would be impossible to tell which movie the stuttering unsure scene comes from and where the wide eyed maniacal laugh is from. When you’re the same character in every movie that means you’re not good at acting (see how to play an arrogant but lovable role, regardless of the character’s job or movie tone by Tom Cruise).
1.Ben Affleck
Ben Affleck is what is known as a bankable star. That means if he attaches himself to a movie it automatically gets greenlit, or will be made. How did this happen? Let’s look at every movie in which Ben is the main character:
Armageddon (not great, but people like special effects. I don’t know how he gets credit for that), Reindeer Games, Pearl Harbor (Wow, you think you can make another Armageddon only not as good? I don’t believe you, Ben), The Sum of All Fears (Surely this can’t misfire. It worked with Alec Baldwin and Harrison Ford (twice). Even Affleck can make money with this, right?), Daredevil (…this one left me speechless), Gigli (Ben: I’m still bankable? What more can I do?), Paycheck (This movie plus The Bourne Identity proves Matt Damon had all the talent in that marriage), Jersey Girl (This is getting ridiculous. It’s like a list of the biggest flops of the past decade), Surviving Christmas, Hollywoodland.
I don’t understand how Ben Affleck is still allowed in the state of California. The crap he makes is the reason There Will Be Blood isn’t showing at the Theater near my house.
Honorable Mention: Kevin Costner
Everyone knows Kevin Costner has spent the past decade making horrible movies (Waterworld, The Postman, The Guardian), so he couldn’t be on the list. But looking back on the movies that made him big I think people fail to realize that he was never a good actor. Take Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves. I love that movie, but Robin Hood really should have a British accent. And emotion. Looking back it’s clear the supporting actors (Morgan Freeman, Alan Rickman) were better than the lead, and that doesn’t say a lot about the lead actor. Dances with Wolves, another great movie. But do you really have to use the some-guy-doesn’t-understand-a-monocle-makes-things-look-closer-than-they-are gag you used in Robin Hood? Costner is the first example in this list of actors in good movies being mistaken for good actors. Oh, and even though this one’s obvious, why make Wyatt Earp when it was already made an hour shorter with better acting…when it was called Tombstone.
Honorable Mention: Jimmy Fallon
I couldn’t put Jimmy Fallon on the list because he hasn’t made enough movies. But he has won the award for person I most want to punch in the face for four consecutive years, so he’s worth mentioning. A couple of notes:
Not being able to say your lines without laughing every skit is not funny.
Doing an impression of someone who is funnier than your impression is not funny.
Liking the Yankees because Lorne Michaels got you free tickets, then deciding the Red Sox are pretty cool and making a movie about them losing the World Series, then changing the ending when they actually win makes you the Count of Douchebaggery. I don’t know a lot about baseball but you can’t switch from a Yankees fan to a Red Sox fan (Steven Atwell!).
5. Julia Roberts
I had a high school science teacher that always made a point that actors get paid more than actresses, and there was only one actress who could demand $10 million for a movie, Julia Roberts. Well I kinda think there should be no women that make that much. I was watching Ocean’s 11 when she’s introduced as this amazingly hot woman in slow motion and I immediately thought of 5 women who would be better. Her cleavage was the first to win an Academy Award for acting, and I think there are some more deserving chests out there (Fabio’s chest can really make you think). Try and tell me she’s worth $10 million after watching Conspiracy Theory, Stepmom, Notting Hill, Runaway Bride, Closer, and Mona Lisa Smile.
4. Keanu Reeves
Keanu is good when he is in the right environment, namely movies that don’t require him to act. Bill & Ted, Point Break, Speed, The Replacements and The Matrix were all good because He doesn’t have to do too much. But then he goes and tries to sneak in to dramas, thinking if he’s surrounded by talent we won’t notice he suffers from voice immodulation. It’s like one of those SAT questions where you have to pick which word doesn’t fit in the group. Watch Dangerous Liasons, Dracula, Much Ado About Nothing, or The Devil’s Advocate and see if you can find the actor who doesn’t belong in the movie. The reason Keanu isn’t higher on the list is because everyone knows he can’t act, and is therefore not overrated. But he is the worst actor in acting and is still in movies, so the fact that he is rated makes him overrated.
3. John Travolta
Travolta had two good movies in the 70’s, Saturday Night Fever and Grease. Then he had a great comeback with Pulp Fiction. What happened in between? Did we forget the timeless Look Who’s Talking trilogy (yeah, they made three of those. The third one was about dogs)? And since Pulp Fiction he’s blessed us with such classics as Broken Arrow- where he is out-acted by Howie Long, Phenomenon, Michael, Face/Off (more on this later), A Civil Action, Battlefield Earth- the first clue America got that scientologists are psycho, Be Cool-the unnecessary sequel to Get Shorty, which was pretty good, and Hairspray-where he proves he can act poorly as both sexes. He wasn’t even very good in Pulp Fiction. He’s probably the tenth best thing in that movie, between the gimp and Tarantino.
2. Nicholas Cage
What pisses me off most about Nicholas Cage is he wanted to be the next James Bond, and got mad when he wasn’t picked, saying James Bond doesn’t have to be British. 1) Yes he does. 2) Maybe if you could do an accent it wouldn’t be a problem. 3) Aside from nationality let’s go over everything else a Bond needs which you don’t have.
Be an action star: Nick keeps trying but I don’t think it’s working. The Rock is good but overrated. Con Air is proof of my previous statement he can’t do accents (People from the South are from the South in every scene, Nick). Face/Off features two guys who can’t act acting like they’re the other one, and somehow managing to do a bad job, and I’m not even taking into account the plot hole that putting on someone else’s face doesn’t change bone structure or height. Gone in 60 Seconds is basically The Fast and the Furious, and I think that has a better Bond in it (Vin Diesel). National Treasure: Hey, we didn’t get the rights to the Da Vinci Code, so let’s just do the same thing only in America (Ok, the movie was fun but I didn’t need to see it again). Ghost Rider: I was bored enough to watch this the other week. I also watched Stomp the Yard. Ghost Rider wins, but only because Eva Mendes is fiyiyine!
Be a good actor: Though not necessarily a requirement for Bond, it helps. If I stringed together clips from every movie Cage has done, it would be impossible to tell which movie the stuttering unsure scene comes from and where the wide eyed maniacal laugh is from. When you’re the same character in every movie that means you’re not good at acting (see how to play an arrogant but lovable role, regardless of the character’s job or movie tone by Tom Cruise).
1.Ben Affleck
Ben Affleck is what is known as a bankable star. That means if he attaches himself to a movie it automatically gets greenlit, or will be made. How did this happen? Let’s look at every movie in which Ben is the main character:
Armageddon (not great, but people like special effects. I don’t know how he gets credit for that), Reindeer Games, Pearl Harbor (Wow, you think you can make another Armageddon only not as good? I don’t believe you, Ben), The Sum of All Fears (Surely this can’t misfire. It worked with Alec Baldwin and Harrison Ford (twice). Even Affleck can make money with this, right?), Daredevil (…this one left me speechless), Gigli (Ben: I’m still bankable? What more can I do?), Paycheck (This movie plus The Bourne Identity proves Matt Damon had all the talent in that marriage), Jersey Girl (This is getting ridiculous. It’s like a list of the biggest flops of the past decade), Surviving Christmas, Hollywoodland.
I don’t understand how Ben Affleck is still allowed in the state of California. The crap he makes is the reason There Will Be Blood isn’t showing at the Theater near my house.
Honorable Mention: Kevin Costner
Everyone knows Kevin Costner has spent the past decade making horrible movies (Waterworld, The Postman, The Guardian), so he couldn’t be on the list. But looking back on the movies that made him big I think people fail to realize that he was never a good actor. Take Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves. I love that movie, but Robin Hood really should have a British accent. And emotion. Looking back it’s clear the supporting actors (Morgan Freeman, Alan Rickman) were better than the lead, and that doesn’t say a lot about the lead actor. Dances with Wolves, another great movie. But do you really have to use the some-guy-doesn’t-understand-a-monocle-makes-things-look-closer-than-they-are gag you used in Robin Hood? Costner is the first example in this list of actors in good movies being mistaken for good actors. Oh, and even though this one’s obvious, why make Wyatt Earp when it was already made an hour shorter with better acting…when it was called Tombstone.
Honorable Mention: Jimmy Fallon
I couldn’t put Jimmy Fallon on the list because he hasn’t made enough movies. But he has won the award for person I most want to punch in the face for four consecutive years, so he’s worth mentioning. A couple of notes:
Not being able to say your lines without laughing every skit is not funny.
Doing an impression of someone who is funnier than your impression is not funny.
Liking the Yankees because Lorne Michaels got you free tickets, then deciding the Red Sox are pretty cool and making a movie about them losing the World Series, then changing the ending when they actually win makes you the Count of Douchebaggery. I don’t know a lot about baseball but you can’t switch from a Yankees fan to a Red Sox fan (Steven Atwell!).
Top 5 Most Overrated Actors
I realize this has nothing to do with sports, but I couldn’t think of anything in sports to write about. And it really irritates when someone says something like “Nick Cage is really good”. No he isn’t. So, this is my list of the top 5 most overrated actors. How does one qualify for this list? If I’m watching a movie and start to imagine how the movie would be better with someone else (Think about Johnny Depp or Etan Hawke in The Devil’s Advocate) you are in the running. If the star actor makes me not want to watch something despite the rest of the cast (How have I not seen Captain Corelli’s Mandolin? It has Penelope Cruz and Christian Bale), yet continue to make movies, they have a head start. Basically these are people I wish would go away and stop ruining good movies/making bad movies so I don’t have to sit through 2 ½ hours of some boring Sci-fi movie because someone thinks the guy that wrote the book is God.
5. Julia Roberts
I had a high school science teacher that always made a point that actors get paid more than actresses, and there was only one actress who could demand $10 million for a movie, Julia Roberts. Well I kinda think there should be no women that make that much. I was watching Ocean’s 11 when she’s introduced as this amazingly hot woman in slow motion and I immediately thought of 5 women who would be better. Her cleavage was the first to win an academy award for acting, and I think there are some more deserving chests out there (Fabio’s chest can really make you think). Try and tell me she’s worth $10 million after watching Conspiracy Theory, Stepmom, Notting Hill, Runaway Bride, Closer, and Mona Lisa Smile.
4. Reeves
Keanu is good when he is in the right environment, namely movies that don’t require him to act. Bill & Ted, Point Break, Speed, The Replacements and The Matrix were all good because He doesn’t have to do too much. But then he goes and tries to sneak in to Drama’s, thinking if he’s surrounded by talent we won’t notice he suffers from voice imodulation. It’s like one of those SAT questions where you have to pick which word doesn’t fit in the group. Watch Dangerous Liasons, Dracula, Much Ado About Nothing, or The Devil’s Advocate and see if you can find the actor who doesn’t belong in the movie. The Reason Keanu isn’t higher on the list is because everyone knows he can’t act, and is there for not overrated. But he is the worst actor in acting and is still in movies, so the fact that he is rated makes him overrated.
3. Travolta
Travolta had two good movies in the 70’s, Saturday Night Fever and Grease. Then he had a great comeback with Pulp Fiction. What happened in between? Did we forget the timeless Look Who’s Talking trilogy (yeah, they made three of those. The third one was about dogs)? And since Pulp Fiction he’s blessed us with such classics as Broken Arrow- where he is out acted by Howie Long, Phenomenon, Michael, Face/Off (more on this later), A Civil Action, Battlefield Earth- the first clue America got that scientologists are psycho, Be Cool-the unnecessary sequel to Get Shorty, which was pretty good, and Hairspray-where he proves he can act poorly as both sexes. He wasn’t even very good in Pulp Fiction. He’s probably the tenth best thing in that movie, between the gimp and Tarentino.
2. Cage
What pisses me off most about Nicholas Cage is he wanted to be the next James Bond, and got mad when he wasn’t picked, saying James Bond doesn’t have to be British. 1) Yes he does. 2) Maybe if you could do an accent it wouldn’t be a problem. 3) Aside from nationality let’s go over everything else a Bond needs which you don’t have.
Be an action star: Nick keeps trying but I don’t think it’s working. The rock is good but overrated. Con Air is proof of my previous statement he can’t do accents (People from the South are from the South in every scene, Nick). Face/Off features two guys who can’t act acting like they’re the other one, and somehow managing to do a bad job, and I’m not even taking into account the plot hole that putting on someone else’s face doesn’t change bone structure or height. Gone in 60 Seconds is basically The Fast and the Furious, and I think that has a better Bond in it (Vin Diesel). National Treasure: Hey, we didn’t get the rights to the Da Vinci Code, so let’s just do the same thing only in America (Ok, the movie was fun but I didn’t need to see it again). Ghost Rider: I was bored enough to watch this the other week. I also watched Stomp the Yard. Ghost Rider wins, but only because Eva Mendez is fiyiyine!
Be a good actor: Though not necessarily a requirement for Bond, it helps. If I stringed together clips from every movie Cage has done, it would be impossible to tell which movie the stuttering unsure scene comes from and where the wide eyed maniacal laugh is from. When you’re the same character in every movie that means you’re not good at acting (see how to play an arrogant but lovable role, regardless of the character’s job or movie tone by Tom Cruise).
1. Ben Affleck
Ben Affleck is what is known as a bankable star. That means if he attaches himself to a movie it automatically gets greenlit, or will be made. How did this happen? Let’s look at every movie in which Ben is the main character:
Armageddon (not great but people like special effects. I don’t know how he gets credit for that), Reindeer Games, Pearl Harbor (Wow, you think you can make another Armageddon only not as good? I don’t believe you, Ben), The Sum of All Fears (Surely this can’t misfire. It worked with Alec Baldwin and Harrison Ford (twice). Even Affleck can make money with this, right?), Daredevil (…this one left me speechless), Gigli (Ben: I’m still bankable? What more can I do?), Paycheck (This movie plus The Bourne Identity proves Matt Damon had all the talent in that marriage), Jersey Girl (This is getting ridiculous. It’s like a list of the biggest flops of the past decade), Surviving Christmas, Hollywoodland.
I don’t understand how Ben Affleck is still aloud in the state of California. The crap he makes is the reason There Will Be Blood isn’t showing at the Theater near my house. His best movie was before his career started (Dazed and Confused).
Honorable Mention: Costner
Everyone knows Kevin Costner has spent the past decade making horrible movies (Waterworld, The Postman, The Guardian), so he couldn’t be on the list. But looking back on the movies that made him big I think people fail to realize that he was never a good actor. Take Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves. I love that movie, but Robin Hood really should have a British accent. And emotion. Looking back it’s clear the supporting actors (Morgan Freeman, Alan Rickman) were better than the lead, and that doesn’t say a lot about the lead actor. Dance with Wolves, another great movie. But do you really have to use the same guy doesn’t understand a monocular makes things look closer than they are gag you used in Robin Hood. Costner is the first example in this list of actors in good movies being mistaken for good actors. Oh, and eventhough this one’s obvious, why make Wyatt Earp when it was already made an hour shorter with better acting…when it was called Tombstone.
Honorable Mention: Jimmy Fallon
I couldn’t put Jimmy Fallon on the list because he hasn’t made enough movies. But he has won the award for person I most want to punch in the face for four consecutive years, so he’s worth mentioning. A couple of notes:
Not being able to say your lines without laughing every skit is not funny.
Doing an impression of someone who is funnier than your impression is not funny.
Liking the Yankees because Lorne Michaels got you free tickets, then deciding the Red sox are pretty cool and making a movie about them losing the World Series, then changing the ending when they actually win makes you the Count of Douchebaggery. I don’t know a lot about baseball but you can’t switch from a Yankees fan to a Red Sox fan (Steven Atwell!).
5. Julia Roberts
I had a high school science teacher that always made a point that actors get paid more than actresses, and there was only one actress who could demand $10 million for a movie, Julia Roberts. Well I kinda think there should be no women that make that much. I was watching Ocean’s 11 when she’s introduced as this amazingly hot woman in slow motion and I immediately thought of 5 women who would be better. Her cleavage was the first to win an academy award for acting, and I think there are some more deserving chests out there (Fabio’s chest can really make you think). Try and tell me she’s worth $10 million after watching Conspiracy Theory, Stepmom, Notting Hill, Runaway Bride, Closer, and Mona Lisa Smile.
4. Reeves
Keanu is good when he is in the right environment, namely movies that don’t require him to act. Bill & Ted, Point Break, Speed, The Replacements and The Matrix were all good because He doesn’t have to do too much. But then he goes and tries to sneak in to Drama’s, thinking if he’s surrounded by talent we won’t notice he suffers from voice imodulation. It’s like one of those SAT questions where you have to pick which word doesn’t fit in the group. Watch Dangerous Liasons, Dracula, Much Ado About Nothing, or The Devil’s Advocate and see if you can find the actor who doesn’t belong in the movie. The Reason Keanu isn’t higher on the list is because everyone knows he can’t act, and is there for not overrated. But he is the worst actor in acting and is still in movies, so the fact that he is rated makes him overrated.
3. Travolta
Travolta had two good movies in the 70’s, Saturday Night Fever and Grease. Then he had a great comeback with Pulp Fiction. What happened in between? Did we forget the timeless Look Who’s Talking trilogy (yeah, they made three of those. The third one was about dogs)? And since Pulp Fiction he’s blessed us with such classics as Broken Arrow- where he is out acted by Howie Long, Phenomenon, Michael, Face/Off (more on this later), A Civil Action, Battlefield Earth- the first clue America got that scientologists are psycho, Be Cool-the unnecessary sequel to Get Shorty, which was pretty good, and Hairspray-where he proves he can act poorly as both sexes. He wasn’t even very good in Pulp Fiction. He’s probably the tenth best thing in that movie, between the gimp and Tarentino.
2. Cage
What pisses me off most about Nicholas Cage is he wanted to be the next James Bond, and got mad when he wasn’t picked, saying James Bond doesn’t have to be British. 1) Yes he does. 2) Maybe if you could do an accent it wouldn’t be a problem. 3) Aside from nationality let’s go over everything else a Bond needs which you don’t have.
Be an action star: Nick keeps trying but I don’t think it’s working. The rock is good but overrated. Con Air is proof of my previous statement he can’t do accents (People from the South are from the South in every scene, Nick). Face/Off features two guys who can’t act acting like they’re the other one, and somehow managing to do a bad job, and I’m not even taking into account the plot hole that putting on someone else’s face doesn’t change bone structure or height. Gone in 60 Seconds is basically The Fast and the Furious, and I think that has a better Bond in it (Vin Diesel). National Treasure: Hey, we didn’t get the rights to the Da Vinci Code, so let’s just do the same thing only in America (Ok, the movie was fun but I didn’t need to see it again). Ghost Rider: I was bored enough to watch this the other week. I also watched Stomp the Yard. Ghost Rider wins, but only because Eva Mendez is fiyiyine!
Be a good actor: Though not necessarily a requirement for Bond, it helps. If I stringed together clips from every movie Cage has done, it would be impossible to tell which movie the stuttering unsure scene comes from and where the wide eyed maniacal laugh is from. When you’re the same character in every movie that means you’re not good at acting (see how to play an arrogant but lovable role, regardless of the character’s job or movie tone by Tom Cruise).
1. Ben Affleck
Ben Affleck is what is known as a bankable star. That means if he attaches himself to a movie it automatically gets greenlit, or will be made. How did this happen? Let’s look at every movie in which Ben is the main character:
Armageddon (not great but people like special effects. I don’t know how he gets credit for that), Reindeer Games, Pearl Harbor (Wow, you think you can make another Armageddon only not as good? I don’t believe you, Ben), The Sum of All Fears (Surely this can’t misfire. It worked with Alec Baldwin and Harrison Ford (twice). Even Affleck can make money with this, right?), Daredevil (…this one left me speechless), Gigli (Ben: I’m still bankable? What more can I do?), Paycheck (This movie plus The Bourne Identity proves Matt Damon had all the talent in that marriage), Jersey Girl (This is getting ridiculous. It’s like a list of the biggest flops of the past decade), Surviving Christmas, Hollywoodland.
I don’t understand how Ben Affleck is still aloud in the state of California. The crap he makes is the reason There Will Be Blood isn’t showing at the Theater near my house. His best movie was before his career started (Dazed and Confused).
Honorable Mention: Costner
Everyone knows Kevin Costner has spent the past decade making horrible movies (Waterworld, The Postman, The Guardian), so he couldn’t be on the list. But looking back on the movies that made him big I think people fail to realize that he was never a good actor. Take Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves. I love that movie, but Robin Hood really should have a British accent. And emotion. Looking back it’s clear the supporting actors (Morgan Freeman, Alan Rickman) were better than the lead, and that doesn’t say a lot about the lead actor. Dance with Wolves, another great movie. But do you really have to use the same guy doesn’t understand a monocular makes things look closer than they are gag you used in Robin Hood. Costner is the first example in this list of actors in good movies being mistaken for good actors. Oh, and eventhough this one’s obvious, why make Wyatt Earp when it was already made an hour shorter with better acting…when it was called Tombstone.
Honorable Mention: Jimmy Fallon
I couldn’t put Jimmy Fallon on the list because he hasn’t made enough movies. But he has won the award for person I most want to punch in the face for four consecutive years, so he’s worth mentioning. A couple of notes:
Not being able to say your lines without laughing every skit is not funny.
Doing an impression of someone who is funnier than your impression is not funny.
Liking the Yankees because Lorne Michaels got you free tickets, then deciding the Red sox are pretty cool and making a movie about them losing the World Series, then changing the ending when they actually win makes you the Count of Douchebaggery. I don’t know a lot about baseball but you can’t switch from a Yankees fan to a Red Sox fan (Steven Atwell!).
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