Seeing as I’ve conquered both the sports and movie world (see previous posts), I’ve decided to expand my empire to the realm of television. The problem is approximately 80% of TV is unwatchable. This means 2 things: A) there’s so much crap everywhere some of it gets mistaken for entertainment. And 2) since people are eating crap and raving about its subtle, nutty flavor, good TV is missed and sometimes gets cancelled. I have decided to help correct this problem by alerting my vast readership (we’re closing in on double digits!) To avoid the more flagrant violators of worthless television and look for some more creative, or at least more ridiculous means of wasting time.
Part A: Opiates’ for the Masses
“What you've just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.” –Principal from Billy Madison
That pretty much sums it up. These shows will hurt your head, as exploding brain cells tend to be painful. In lieu of watching these shows, I suggest a nice glass of turpentine, a hit of oregano, or perhaps a hammer to the old noggin.
Guess the Number (a.k.a. Deal or No Deal)
Can anybody tell me why Howie Mandel is famous? His best work was the intros to Bobby’s World (Donchyaknow). “Well $148,000 is tempting, but I just know 18 is the one.”
My Super Sweet 16
“I’m rich, so I don’t have to think or have a legitimate reason to breathe.” And this is entertaining because…?
I Love New York
It was apparent from the beginning that reality TV was worthless. I wasn’t too worried because the substance was so miniscule that ratings couldn’t possibly last and the fad would end. A decade and Emmy category later I am concerned about the state of the nation. New York is that rare talent who became famous through reality TV and was able to spin that into more reality TV.
Oprah
Oprah is very smart. People that watch Oprah are not. In the history of man, has a conversation that started with “Did you see yesterdays Oprah” ever been enlightening or in any way useful. And since an hour just isn’t enough time to cover everything that doesn’t matter, there will soon be an Oprah channel…simply stunning.
Part 2: Diamonds in the Rough (Aladdin: Best Disney movie ever?)
Now that my blood pressure has gone back down from part A, let’s talk about happy things. I admit I don’t watch a lot of television, probably not enough to write this. But in between sports and movies there are a handful of shows I catch every episode of. Unfortunately a lot of good TV is on pay channels and/or is on late, but that’s ok because kids shouldn’t be watching this crap. But if you’re depraved like me, read on.
4. Weeds
Most people who watch this show are going to overrate it, but despite that it’s still really good. Not so much laugh out loud funny, the insane situations created by the entire premise are funny and the characters/acting is fantastic.
3. South Park
I can’t think of a show with a better case for most socially relevant. Cast aside for its crude animation and humor, South Park covers social and cultural topics no one else will touch, and are able to do it in a timely manner.
2. Flight of the Concords
England is to: The Beatles as New Zealand is to:
A: Kiwi’s
B: Hobbits
C: Where’s Old Zealand?
D Flight of the Concords!
1. The Boondocks
Every time I see someone I haven’t seen in a while I somehow bring this show up and tell them to watch it. It is the most offensive and the smartest show on TV. Although it would never happen do to its extreme non political correctness (I might get fired if I ever mention this show at work), showing this in school might end racism in America as we know it. Plus Charlie “Darkness is Spreading” Murphy and Samuel “The L stands for Bad Ass Mothafucka” Jackson voice two white guys.
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