As my life has progressed through time I’ve found the people I choose to spend my time with have several essential traits in common with myself. One circle in particular likes drinking, competition, not being bored, and having a degree from a certain institution of higher learning. As such we tend to improve and create drinking games to support our insatiable and downright dangerous competitive drinking habits.
Speed Pong is close to my heart as I am one of its originators. There’s bound to be other games referred to as Speed Pong floating throughout drinking communities, but these rules, which evolved in one of the finest drinking laboratories in the nation, foster a truly intense and exciting exhibit. I love to play it and I love watching others play. It rivals basketball as my favorite sport. Oh yes, it’s a sport. Maintaining a high level of play is difficult due to cardiovascular fatigue as well as increased inebriation. It is not for the casual drinker. If you don’t enter the arena ready to give 108% of your focus and energy your liver will be annihilated, and your self esteem will be battered due to merciless heckling until my throat is soar.
Rules
Speed Pong is derived from Beer Pong, a.k.a. Beirut (“Real” beer pong is retarded. How many parties have paddles?). Beer Pong has many variations itself, leading to countless drunken arguments with no relative points other than “Your rules are stupid and you’re girlfriends ugly.” So, first let’s go over pong rules as they relate to SP:
1. 2 on 2 six cup, triangle formation
2. Bounces count as 2 cups and can be defended
Now for the speed rules:
1. All shots are live. If you shoot and miss you can chase down the ball and shoot again.
2. No possession of multiple balls. If your partner is shooting you cannot be holding a ball. Water cup counts as possession
3. Your team cannot shoot until made cups are drank. If you have a ball and the other team hits a cup, you must drop or throw the ball.
4. No reracks, no redemption
Simple enough, right? Well these rules open an entire new dimension never before seen in pong based drinking games. Shooting is still important, but it tends to be overemphasized by new players used to playing traditional beer pong. The magic of Speed Pong lies in these added dimensions.
Rebounding: this includes catching balls off the cup or table quickly but primarily refers to chasing down balls in the field. Rebounding leads to more shots, so if 2 two teams are about equal in shooting the better rebounding team will win. Reaction time and desire are key ingredients to a good rebounder.
Rebounding also includes interference. You cannot possess the ball if your partner is drinking or shooting, but you can impede the other team from possessing. Kicking, batting and standing in the way are all legal. Naturally interference can be countered by aggressive rebounding, resulting in a game within the game away from the table. (Note: the level of legal physical contact has not yet been clearly defined. Ramming, checking into cars, and picking up and moving opponents are all moves which have been used and hotly contested.)
Passing: Balls will be rebounded all over the place: Behind the opponent, under the table after diving, down the hall. If the other team is in a precarious position getting back to shooting position can waste precious seconds. Being able to accurately throw a tiny hollow ball from various positions ranging from on your stomach to in the neighbor’s yard can result in momentum changing plays. Yes, momentum is a tangible aspect of Speed Pong. Hitting 3 cups in a row, forcing a player to drink 2 cups after running around for the last 5 minutes like a chihuahua on speed, can break even the most embiggoned spirit.
Communication: With beer pong you can talk to friends, dance and take bathroom breaks. In Speed pong if you open your mouth it better be to help your teammate or help explain to the other team how bad they are at everything they do and just how worthless they are as people. Helping your teammate locate a ball, calling out a forthcoming pass, or signaling when you’ve shot or finished drinking saves possessions and time in a game where both are rare commodities.
The accelerated pace of the game can rattle players, especially when their team is missing shots or losing rebounds. This is when expertly timed trash talk can evaporate the will of the weak, giving the edge to the player focused on the triumph of victory.
If you wanna have a few friends over, hang out, maybe throw on the new Hannah Montana cd, Speed Pong is not an element you want to introduce. It is an event in itself made with the serious drinker in mind, preferably with a sports background. It has found a niche as a day after party activity affectionately named Speed Pong Sunday. “We could clean and move the furniture back, or we could use the leftover half keg. Hmmm…” I encourage all hearty beerthletes to test the fast beer soaked waters and see if their fancy is tickled. I hope for Speed Pong to sometime be a recognized event so I can realize my dream of becoming a Speed Pong coach (Go Kentucky Klickies!). Until that day (or Bacon Day, whichever comes first) I will enjoy the small yet devoted society of competitive drinkers of which I’m currently a member and continue to work towards the perfect alignment of drinking and games.
Next Week: Welcome to NEMESIS
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