Friday, February 15, 2008

Awesome, Thy Name is Bacon

What is your thought process when you wake up in the morning? Mine looks like this:
http://incredimazing.com/page/Bacon_Flowchart: Whoever made this peered into my soul.

Bacon’s awesomeness is self-evident, meaning its mere existence is enough proof it’s awesome. But its true power is unleashed when combined with other good foods. You see, bacon is a true superstar, and as such makes its teammates better, like Michael Jordan. This is better than a good food that doesn’t play well with others, like pop tarts, or Allen Iverson. So I got to thinking, bacon is so good at making other foods better, but has its deliciousness enhancing powers been fully explored? What foods could better utilize bacon for a fuller, more fulfilling eating experience?

Cheese

Bacon and cheese go together better than Arnold and 1 liners:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=64aJH2l_doY: I can’t wait for The Governator to come out


Virtually all foods with cheese can, and should, have bacon. Preferably melted, cheese offers a melty yin to bacon's crunchy yang, which helps to center one's Chi. This marriage of smoky goodness and creamy richness is no secret, but these two should be thought of as one entity, cheacon. I have a dream, when one day I can go to the grocery store and buy prepackaged cheacon. I have seen the mountain top, and it is delicious.

Hamburger/Sandwich

For centuries man has known of the impact bacon can have on a sandwich. Yet, I still feel it is being underutilized. I don’t know if a cheeseburger is even worthwhile without bacon, unless maybe it has sauteed mushrooms. It already has cheese, which can always be paired with bacon (see above). Whenever I’m eating a baconless sandwich I say to myself, “Self, what would make this sandwich better?” We all know the answer to that.
Here’s a sandwich recipe that is guaranteed to be delicious: Unstale bread, bacon, cheese, another meat (chicken, turkey, hamburger, more bacon), some sort of sauce. Bam! Flavor town.

http://carefulthought.files.wordpress.com/2007/04/bacon5.jpg: Bacon makes anything better, even bacon

There are literally trillions of comcastic combinations. Here are two that work for all time constraints and income brackets.
Bacon/cheddar/bbq sauce plus chicken breast or hamburger on pumpernickel
Bacon/Swiss (or havarti if you can handle nirvana)/ranch plus chicken breast or hamburger and pepper to taste on sourdough.
Excuse me, I have to go make both of these right now.

Tacos (or any Mexican food)

Those were delicious. Building from the example burgers have given, we see bacon and hamburger meat play well together. This doesn’t need any more explanation. Tortilla + cheese + meat + bacon + whatever the hell else is in Mexican food = best thing on any Mexican menu. I’m surprised the Mexicans dropped the ball on this.

Lasagna (or any Italian food)

For years I have wrestled with a way to incorporate bacon in one of the marvels of culinary science, lasagna. Whether crunchy or chewy, bacon’s texture does not go with lasagna’s consistency. I will continue to experiment, but let’s think about bacon’s use in past dishes in general. Some might say that real Italian food doesn’t use bacon (Neal Allen). This is a bold faced lie. Italians made their own bacon, pancetta. Take a sheet of bacon, throw on some pepper and other spices, then roll it up and slice it. Now you have pancetta. This stuff is great in red and white sauces, on pizza or in panini’s. Of course, if you don’t want to pay extra for a fancy name you can put some pepper on bacon and your back in the old country, a.k.a. flavor country.

Vegetables

Vegetables suck. Children know this instinctively, and must be tricked into eating them through various means of nefarious deception. One such way is using a dipping sauce like ranch, and we’ve already established that bacon and ranch both play for team awesome. Throwing in vegetables just adds health to the equation.

General Tso’s Chicken (or any Chinese food)

Ok, I know it’s getting a little crazy, but stay with me. Imagine some nice crispy bacon pieces in tso sauce. I bet bacon would go well with some Peiking duck. Think of bacon as savor sprinkles: just sprinkle some bacon pieces on any robust meal and you’ve just raised the overall awesomeness by 10%.

Seafood

Seafood is delicious, so it doesn’t need to be overpowered with bacon. However, bacon-wrapped scallops are the best Super Bowl snack according to some (http://www.realclearsports.com/blog/2008/01/rcs_favorites_super_bowl_snack_1.html), goes well in lobster bisque, and I think a little bacon sprinkled over shrimp or in butter sauce for lobster would do the soul good.

Indian Food

“They aren't allowed to use bacon, I think. But we can!” – Andrew MacDonald

There are actually several distinct types of curry, and I gotta believe all of them could use a hot bacon injection. There are a lot of exotic flavors used in Indian food which I know nothing about, but I do know something about the nature of bacon. India should put their nuclear program on hold and get their top minds on the bacon infusion equation. This could end the bloodshed in Kashmir…ok, maybe not, but it won’t make it worse…except Muslims don’t eat pork so it might. Looks like I’ll have to take care of this myself.

Hot Cinnamon Apple Dessert

Bacon has conquered breakfast and lunch and the dinner campaign is going well. Dessert is the final frontier, the undiscovered country. Recently I was introduced to candied bacon, which was quickly followed by singing angels. But bacon alone is not enough, so here is my theoretical bacon dessert: Some sort of apple cobbler type thing with hot apples and cinnamon, broken up graham crackers and pieces of maple bacon. It’s still a work in progress, but think of the possible ramifications. Chocolate, like bacon, makes other things better. If these two culinary powers can be combined the results might cause my head to explode. I am mentally preparing myself now for this edible super-force to avoid any cranium damage.

I feel like I accomplished something here. I talked about bacon enough to raise my cholesterol, I used the word awesome more than anyone since 1991, and I got one step closer to realizing my vision. That step was having a vision. Some day, and that day may never come, bacon will be included in all the afore mentioned foods. I call it Bacon Day, the holiest of all the Judeo-Christian festivals (hypothetically). If that day comes during my life I will rejoice, for all of the work that I may or may not have actually done will not be in vain, and I will know that the forces of bacon triumphed over evil. Knibb High Football rules!

Monday, February 11, 2008

The Shaq Era

The history of the NBA can be divided into distinct eras. There was the Celtic’s Dynasty of the 50’s and 60’s. The ABA revolt of the 70’s, during which no team or player dominated. The eighties were defined by Magic vs. Bird. And then there was his Airness, whose power was so great the NBA is still trying to recover from his absence. So what force has controlled the Landscape since MJ’s departure?

Shaq.

He was the diesel engine that powered the Lakers to the only Jordan-less Threepeat in 4 decades. This team was so good the nation cheered when the boring ass pistons beat them. The only other team to win besides those Pistons, the Spurs and Shaq’s Lakers: Shaq’s Heat. Even looking back to when Jordan took a break, the year he came back he lost to the Magic, who Shaq dragged to the finals.

He’s led 3 different teams to 6 finals, winning 4. Is it so crazy to believe he can do it with a fourth?

There is a very clear slope of how dependant the team has been on Shaq over his career (apparently blogs don't support excel charts that measure Shaqosity. Picture shaqs line sloping down and his sidekick's sloping up). Just look at his wingman. He made a Penny valuable enough to have a Lil Penny voiced by Chris Rock. How many endorsements has he gotten since Shaq moved to Tinsel Town? Kobe was an upgrade, but Kobe wasn’t the player he is now back in 2000. That was Shaq’s team. Big Aristotle gave Kobe the cushion to develop into the best player in the league, picking up 3 rings along the way. By the time he moved back to the beach Shaq was ready to pass the reigns to someone else, and D Wade was the right player to give them too. This was Wade’s team, but Wade doesn’t become Wade without Shaq.

Now he gets to go to the Desert and play alongside a full grown star for the first time in his career. Instead of Shaq making his teammates better, Nash will make Shaq better. I know, he’s too old. He was too old when he left LA, too. Ok, now he’s REALLY too old, and injured. Phoenix has one of the best training staffs in sports. If they can fix Grant Hill’s ankle, they can squeeze half a season out of O’Neal.

Shaq can’t play in Phoenix’s perpetual fast break offense. He doesn’t have to. Nash and the speedsters can run up the court when it’s there and when it’s not now they can actually score in a half court offense. Forget about what the Suns were for a minute. Out of the contenders in the West, what point guard is better than Nash? What frontcourt is better than Amare and Shaq? Gasol-Bynum? Duncan-Umberto? Now throw in Bell, Diaw, Barbosa, and Hill. Sounds like a Championship caliber squad to me.

There are a lot of good teams this year and it’s hard to name a favorite. I’m just not ready to say the Sun has set on the Shaq Era. Never doubt the heart of a Champion, and never tell a 350 pound Champion he can’t do something.

Monday, February 4, 2008

No TV and Beer Make Homer Something Something

Seeing as I’ve conquered both the sports and movie world (see previous posts), I’ve decided to expand my empire to the realm of television. The problem is approximately 80% of TV is unwatchable. This means 2 things: A) there’s so much crap everywhere some of it gets mistaken for entertainment. And 2) since people are eating crap and raving about its subtle, nutty flavor, good TV is missed and sometimes gets cancelled. I have decided to help correct this problem by alerting my vast readership (we’re closing in on double digits!) To avoid the more flagrant violators of worthless television and look for some more creative, or at least more ridiculous means of wasting time.

Part A: Opiates’ for the Masses

“What you've just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.” –Principal from Billy Madison
That pretty much sums it up. These shows will hurt your head, as exploding brain cells tend to be painful. In lieu of watching these shows, I suggest a nice glass of turpentine, a hit of oregano, or perhaps a hammer to the old noggin.

Guess the Number (a.k.a. Deal or No Deal)

Can anybody tell me why Howie Mandel is famous? His best work was the intros to Bobby’s World (Donchyaknow). “Well $148,000 is tempting, but I just know 18 is the one.”

My Super Sweet 16

“I’m rich, so I don’t have to think or have a legitimate reason to breathe.” And this is entertaining because…?

I Love New York

It was apparent from the beginning that reality TV was worthless. I wasn’t too worried because the substance was so miniscule that ratings couldn’t possibly last and the fad would end. A decade and Emmy category later I am concerned about the state of the nation. New York is that rare talent who became famous through reality TV and was able to spin that into more reality TV.

Oprah

Oprah is very smart. People that watch Oprah are not. In the history of man, has a conversation that started with “Did you see yesterdays Oprah” ever been enlightening or in any way useful. And since an hour just isn’t enough time to cover everything that doesn’t matter, there will soon be an Oprah channel…simply stunning.

Part 2: Diamonds in the Rough (Aladdin: Best Disney movie ever?)

Now that my blood pressure has gone back down from part A, let’s talk about happy things. I admit I don’t watch a lot of television, probably not enough to write this. But in between sports and movies there are a handful of shows I catch every episode of. Unfortunately a lot of good TV is on pay channels and/or is on late, but that’s ok because kids shouldn’t be watching this crap. But if you’re depraved like me, read on.

4. Weeds

Most people who watch this show are going to overrate it, but despite that it’s still really good. Not so much laugh out loud funny, the insane situations created by the entire premise are funny and the characters/acting is fantastic.

3. South Park

I can’t think of a show with a better case for most socially relevant. Cast aside for its crude animation and humor, South Park covers social and cultural topics no one else will touch, and are able to do it in a timely manner.

2. Flight of the Concords

England is to: The Beatles as New Zealand is to:
A: Kiwi’s
B: Hobbits
C: Where’s Old Zealand?
D Flight of the Concords!

1. The Boondocks

Every time I see someone I haven’t seen in a while I somehow bring this show up and tell them to watch it. It is the most offensive and the smartest show on TV. Although it would never happen do to its extreme non political correctness (I might get fired if I ever mention this show at work), showing this in school might end racism in America as we know it. Plus Charlie “Darkness is Spreading” Murphy and Samuel “The L stands for Bad Ass Mothafucka” Jackson voice two white guys.