“I don’t like NBA basketball.”
“The NBA is boring.”
“I love lamp.”
Over and over again I have heard these sentiments, and not without merit. A 48 minute professional game can’t compete with the intensity of a 40 minute college game, even if the talent is better. But over the last decade the problem with the NBA, which some may have mistaken as a permanent problem, was a decline in talent. Jordan’s last run with the Bulls may have covered up the decreasing number of championship caliber teams. In the last 9 NBA seasons only a handful of teams have contended: Spurs, Pistons, Lakers, Suns, and the Mavs (I guess). The heat had one good year but the other 8 titles were split by three teams who were either playing each other or handling someone who didn’t have a chance. There were still superstars, but they didn’t have anybody around them, which resulted with one on one games with 8 guys standing around.
That may all be changing this year. Some upstarts are coming out of the woodwork and challanging the established powerhouses. In the West, where perennials San Antonio, Dallas, and Phoenix reign supreme, half way through the season the first seed is the Hornets? I remember when the NBA reorganized and New Orleans was sacrificed to the West. Now some guy named David West has them hanging with the big boys. Also competing for the biggest surprise is the Blazers who, despite losing their franchise draft pick Greg Oden, are winning with a young nucleus of lottery pick talent: Roy, Jack, Aldridge, and Blake (not to mention Green and McRoberts).
For the first time since Shaq left tinsel town the Lakers look like more than Kobe and the guys from Semi-Pro (In theaters Feb. 29). Yes, Kobe’s an ass, but he’s still the best player in the league and I’d rather watch him play for a good team. The Jazz are solid, the Rockets have Yao and McGrittle, and The Nuggets have Melo, A.I, and Camby. Oh yeah, there’s still the Spurs, the best team this decade, the Suns who, born from a marriage of an Italian mustache and a bad Canadian haircut have created some sort of crack fueled perpetual fast break, and the Mavericks who, although I don’t think will ever win a title, are going to be in the mix.
While the West continues to be the deeper conference, the East has developed a few teams to compete against the juggernauts. Never doubt the heart of a champion, and the Pistons look like they found their heart again. They remembered they can play defense, and have a better offense than when they won the Championship.
The Magic have Dwight Howard, who proves both the center art form is still alive and is not obsolete. If anybody doesn’t want a guy that gives you 22 pints and 15 rebounds, please raise your hand, so I can come over and bitch smack you. Howard, who at age 22 is putting up numbers only Wilt Chamberlain has achieved, is a perfect complement to great guard play. Jameer Nelson is a good threat, Rashard Lewis is overpaid but still damn good, and sometime between 2003 (the last time I saw him) and now Hedo Turkoglu learned how to drive.
This season Lebron James has finally started living up to his hype. He was good before, and led his team to the Finals last year, but this year he’s doing it all and is having the closest thing to a triple-double season this side of Big O.
And then there’s the Celtics. In an era of World Series Red Sox and Undefeated Patriots it’s so hard not to hate the Celtics. But I don’t. They have 3 of the top 15-20 players in the league playing to win every night. They don’t care about stats or contract extensions, they just want to win. This hasn’t happened since kids started becoming millionaires on draft day. They play start to finish every game like, well, like a college team.
And that’s what makes basketball exciting: Good players on good teams playing great basketball. As recent as last season there were only 3 or 4 teams I was excited to watch. Now there are at least 10, and it’s only halfway through the season. I love this game!
Monday, January 28, 2008
Monday, January 21, 2008
Scott’s World of Sports
There isn’t one topic which has drawn my interest, so I’m going to talk about a few things, which is another way of talking about nothing. First, let’s review the Championship games. There are a few things that can be taken away from this weekend. First and foremost, playoff football in freezing temperatures is great. It’s rare because there are only 4 or 5 venues that can get cold enough for TV viewers to feel how miserable the players are. Two of those places are Boston and Green Bay. The combination of the intensity of the playoffs and the partially frozen players make for a plethora of bone jarring hits, especially in the Green Bay game. (Note: plethora is a SAT word. It means a lot. I like to use it because it was featured in The Three Amigos: “You wouldn’t say I had a plethora of piñatas if you didn’t know what a plethora means, would you?”)
Which leads us to point #2…I guess. Although the games were better than expected the outcomes were not. Along with the rest of America, every step the Patriots take toward a perfect season makes me die a little inside. Once I got over the Cowboys loss (I say get over, but you never really get over a tragedy like that, you just learn to get by), I was ready for a great QB showdown with Favre and Brady. EHHH! Wrong again. Looks like we have a second straight Super Bowl with a Manning boy. The Giants did earn the right to play in this game. They won three playoff games on the road, including the two top seeds in the NFC. But that doesn’t mean I’m excited about a Giants-Patriots matchup. Their regular season finale was good, so maybe I’ll be surprised like I was this weekend. I’m just not as hyped for the Super bowl as I was for the last month. My hearts been broken too many times…
So it’s on to college basketball. I love conference play, because every single game is a rivalry for at least one of the schools. Duke probably doesn’t care about Clemson too much, but Clemson loves to beat Duke. The crowd atmosphere is something that can never be duplicated in the NBA, and that intensity spills on to the court. Sometimes I think the talent level in the NBA is too high, and a lot of things you see in college go away. There are no presses, no sick Syracuse 3-2 zone. There isn’t enough second help, or swinging the ball around the perimeter for the open three. I like NBA basketball, but it’s hard to be entrenched in a game from start to finish. The last six minutes are about equal to the first half of a good college game. A NBA playoff game is probably as good as a regular season college game, but nothing can touch tournament play. I don’t want to get too far ahead of myself, because I’m sure some drunken thesis will emerge in early march, but NCAA basketball rocks.
You know what else rocks? Bar-b-queue. Bar-b-queue is in men’s blood. The molasses helps us bleed less. One of my goals in life is to go on a bar-b-queue tour and test the four distinct types of American bar-b-queue: Carolina, Memphis, Kansas City, and, I think, Texas. I don’t know what made me think of that. It needs to get hot again so I can grill.
So, in summation: Boo Giants-Patriots. Yay College basketball. Bar-b-queue kicks ass. Go bacon. Bacon wasn’t mentioned here, but the condiment of meats deserves recognition at all times, regardless of relevance. In fact, let’s talk about bacon for a minute. Bacon makes things better. It an awesomeness enhancer. It makes an ordinary sandwich twice as good. Wrap a steak with bacon and you get bacon flavored steak AND steak flavored bacon. I’ve even learned of candied bacon. This is wonderful because desert was the last course I needed bacon in. Some people use potpourri or scented candles in their house. I cook bacon, and the house is filled with a pleasing aroma for the rest of the day. I don’t know if the Super Bowl is going to be good or not, but I’m gonna throw some bacon, cheese and toast together, perhaps fried, and it’s going to be a good Sunday.
Which leads us to point #2…I guess. Although the games were better than expected the outcomes were not. Along with the rest of America, every step the Patriots take toward a perfect season makes me die a little inside. Once I got over the Cowboys loss (I say get over, but you never really get over a tragedy like that, you just learn to get by), I was ready for a great QB showdown with Favre and Brady. EHHH! Wrong again. Looks like we have a second straight Super Bowl with a Manning boy. The Giants did earn the right to play in this game. They won three playoff games on the road, including the two top seeds in the NFC. But that doesn’t mean I’m excited about a Giants-Patriots matchup. Their regular season finale was good, so maybe I’ll be surprised like I was this weekend. I’m just not as hyped for the Super bowl as I was for the last month. My hearts been broken too many times…
So it’s on to college basketball. I love conference play, because every single game is a rivalry for at least one of the schools. Duke probably doesn’t care about Clemson too much, but Clemson loves to beat Duke. The crowd atmosphere is something that can never be duplicated in the NBA, and that intensity spills on to the court. Sometimes I think the talent level in the NBA is too high, and a lot of things you see in college go away. There are no presses, no sick Syracuse 3-2 zone. There isn’t enough second help, or swinging the ball around the perimeter for the open three. I like NBA basketball, but it’s hard to be entrenched in a game from start to finish. The last six minutes are about equal to the first half of a good college game. A NBA playoff game is probably as good as a regular season college game, but nothing can touch tournament play. I don’t want to get too far ahead of myself, because I’m sure some drunken thesis will emerge in early march, but NCAA basketball rocks.
You know what else rocks? Bar-b-queue. Bar-b-queue is in men’s blood. The molasses helps us bleed less. One of my goals in life is to go on a bar-b-queue tour and test the four distinct types of American bar-b-queue: Carolina, Memphis, Kansas City, and, I think, Texas. I don’t know what made me think of that. It needs to get hot again so I can grill.
So, in summation: Boo Giants-Patriots. Yay College basketball. Bar-b-queue kicks ass. Go bacon. Bacon wasn’t mentioned here, but the condiment of meats deserves recognition at all times, regardless of relevance. In fact, let’s talk about bacon for a minute. Bacon makes things better. It an awesomeness enhancer. It makes an ordinary sandwich twice as good. Wrap a steak with bacon and you get bacon flavored steak AND steak flavored bacon. I’ve even learned of candied bacon. This is wonderful because desert was the last course I needed bacon in. Some people use potpourri or scented candles in their house. I cook bacon, and the house is filled with a pleasing aroma for the rest of the day. I don’t know if the Super Bowl is going to be good or not, but I’m gonna throw some bacon, cheese and toast together, perhaps fried, and it’s going to be a good Sunday.
Thursday, January 17, 2008
America’s Team Loses, and so does America
The Cowboys are always among the most loved franchises in sports. They are also among the most hated. Whichever side you’re on you have to be disappointed the Cowboys are not in the NFC Championship. You should also feel the same way about the Colts’ defeat, regardless of what you think of them. All season long there have been four teams who consistently differentiated themselves from the league. 3 of their combined 9 losses have come against each other, and 2 more came in week 17 when nothing was at stake, making them a combined 50-4 against the rest of the league thru week 16. Other teams came and went (“Are the Seahawks #2 in the NFC?” “Can the Steelers beat the Patriots?”), but these four started strong and never looked back, leading their respective divisions the entire season.
So after suffering through a season that featured around 20 utterly unwatchable teams and having to listen about a handful of other teams that were mistaken for good because they stacked up W’s against JV teams, NFL fans were finally ready to be treated to two great championship matchups. Favre would head back to Dallas to try to win at the one place he hasn’t through his whole career. This would renew a great rivalry born from a marriage of cold and water 40 years ago in the “Ice Bowl” and continued in the mid nineties. We would have to bear through another week of Romo/Favre comparisons, but once the game started we’d see two Pro Bowl quarterbacks leading great offenses for a chance to end their franchise’s decade long Super Bowl drought.
An even better match would take place in the AFC with winners of 3 of the last 4 Super Bowls. The Colts were finally able to overcome their Achilles heel last season and get past New England in the playoffs. Now the Pats get the chance to retake control of the series, and we’d be treated to another matchup of the top 2 quarterbacks of this era. The game in the regular season was the best game of the season, and this time Manning would have his entire arsenal, Harrison having missed the first go round.
But alas, those games will never happen. Instead we get to see Manning 2.0, the model Archie tried to recall but, according to Mrs. Manning, you can’t abort a five year old. Forgive me if I’m not excited about this monumental moment. Not only was my season long dream weekend ruined, but my professional psychic application took a serious hit since the odds of my Cowboys over Patriots Super Bowl have severely diminished. Eli obviously isn’t his brother. He’s done a nice job managing games the last few weeks, but he’s supposed to be a franchise quarterback, not a journeyman level QB with a good defense. I feel bad for him, because if his last name wasn’t Manning he wouldn’t take nearly as much heat. But it is and he’s a former number one pick who isn’t one of the 10 QB’s in the league, and he never will be.
The Chargers/Pats is still a good matchup, just not as good. For some reason the Chargers have always played well against the Colts, dating back to when they stopped their perfect season a few years back. That knack does not carry over to other undefeated teams. I’d love to see Tomlinson (there is still only one LT) in the Super Bowl, but I can’t imagine a Norv Turner led team beating a team that’s 17-0. Phillip River’s looks like he’s looking for a title from the crown. Perhaps Duke of Douchebaggery befits a man of his stature.That’s the other thing that depresses me (drinking in a room alone depressed, not contemplating suicide depressed). The Cowboys and Colts were the two teams that had a legitimate chance at knocking off the Pats and ruining their perfect season. As much as I hate the Dolphins drinking that champagne every year, Belichick and the Pats taking over is worse. Now I can only hope that Brett Favre can pull off the upset of his career, jump on a horse, and ride off into the sinking Arizona sun.
So after suffering through a season that featured around 20 utterly unwatchable teams and having to listen about a handful of other teams that were mistaken for good because they stacked up W’s against JV teams, NFL fans were finally ready to be treated to two great championship matchups. Favre would head back to Dallas to try to win at the one place he hasn’t through his whole career. This would renew a great rivalry born from a marriage of cold and water 40 years ago in the “Ice Bowl” and continued in the mid nineties. We would have to bear through another week of Romo/Favre comparisons, but once the game started we’d see two Pro Bowl quarterbacks leading great offenses for a chance to end their franchise’s decade long Super Bowl drought.
An even better match would take place in the AFC with winners of 3 of the last 4 Super Bowls. The Colts were finally able to overcome their Achilles heel last season and get past New England in the playoffs. Now the Pats get the chance to retake control of the series, and we’d be treated to another matchup of the top 2 quarterbacks of this era. The game in the regular season was the best game of the season, and this time Manning would have his entire arsenal, Harrison having missed the first go round.
But alas, those games will never happen. Instead we get to see Manning 2.0, the model Archie tried to recall but, according to Mrs. Manning, you can’t abort a five year old. Forgive me if I’m not excited about this monumental moment. Not only was my season long dream weekend ruined, but my professional psychic application took a serious hit since the odds of my Cowboys over Patriots Super Bowl have severely diminished. Eli obviously isn’t his brother. He’s done a nice job managing games the last few weeks, but he’s supposed to be a franchise quarterback, not a journeyman level QB with a good defense. I feel bad for him, because if his last name wasn’t Manning he wouldn’t take nearly as much heat. But it is and he’s a former number one pick who isn’t one of the 10 QB’s in the league, and he never will be.
The Chargers/Pats is still a good matchup, just not as good. For some reason the Chargers have always played well against the Colts, dating back to when they stopped their perfect season a few years back. That knack does not carry over to other undefeated teams. I’d love to see Tomlinson (there is still only one LT) in the Super Bowl, but I can’t imagine a Norv Turner led team beating a team that’s 17-0. Phillip River’s looks like he’s looking for a title from the crown. Perhaps Duke of Douchebaggery befits a man of his stature.That’s the other thing that depresses me (drinking in a room alone depressed, not contemplating suicide depressed). The Cowboys and Colts were the two teams that had a legitimate chance at knocking off the Pats and ruining their perfect season. As much as I hate the Dolphins drinking that champagne every year, Belichick and the Pats taking over is worse. Now I can only hope that Brett Favre can pull off the upset of his career, jump on a horse, and ride off into the sinking Arizona sun.
Monday, January 14, 2008
We Who Are About to Get Wet, Salute You
We have just entered the best part of the year for sports. The bowl season just ended, giving way to the NFL playoffs. After the Super Bowl there’s about a month to watch college basketball to aid in making “smart” picks in March Madness (Go Shockers!). After March Madness, a.k.a nirvana, is the NBA playoffs, which may or may not be entertaining, depending on the level of involvement by the Pistons and Spurs. Then all we have all summer is baseball, which is right up there with competitive grass growing and hula-hoop-offs. Anytime the most exciting thing about a sport is Congressional testimony, that sport sucks. But I digress. The point of this post is that in the midst of this ½ year-long-sports-haven another sorely missed sporting event has once again cast its lot in the ring. It might not be as fun as the original, throwing Christians to lions, Roman version, but the new American Gladiators offers plenty of mindless, muscle-bound entertainment for all.
I’ve been waiting for this day for years. About 2 years ago, after months of phone calls and letters, which I never actually made or wrote but meant to, Gladiators began airing on ESPN Classic. I began sleeping better at night, knowing if I had the craving to watch grown men run around in steel balls like hamsters trying to land on buttons to release smoke, I could do so within 24 hours. Apparently I was not alone, as a month or two ago a commercial alerted me NBC saw fit to reincarnate the show and revitalize the spandex industry. I think my heart stopped for a second, then pumped irregularly until the date now engraved on my skull, January 6th, arrived.
Gladiators has been updated from the nineties' version with 21st century technology (water) and haircuts (not mullets). While it’s debatable whether these changes improve the show (I think one of the strengths of the old show was the mullet to non-mullet ratio, better than 4 to 1) All of the action that made it great before is still there. Weekend Warriors and housewives are getting decked, dropped, bruised and concussed in all the Gladiatorial events I grew to love as a kid.
This crop of Gladiators seems to be good, too. Most of them are mixed martial artists, so aside from being larger than normal humans they can actually move and know how to inflict pain. My favorites became apparent almost instantaneously. (The Big Bad) Wolf has a signature howl and is big and hairy, kinda like me. Most important, he has solid Gladiator skills, as witnessed in Pyramid, Hang Tough, Gauntlet, and, most notably, Power Ball. The pick of the litter of the ladies is obviously Crush. There was a guy in the Audience holding a sign that said, “I have a Crush on Crush.” My sign would say, “I’d Crush that!” She is the only one that looks like a woman, and she already exploded a girls head in The Joust by hitting her in the face about 50 times. I also love this quote from her in an ESPN Page 2 article: “I’m not used to training with weapons.” (Crush is 5-0 in MMA).
Some of the events do appear to have taken a step backwards. Earthquake doesn’t seem to be as good as Breakthrough and Conquer, which had a football and wrestling portion. Assault, quite possibly the best game in the original, is now too complicated (You have to find an arrow at one station to load in a gun at the next? What is this, Double Dare?!), although hurling the Gladiator backwards into water does beat smoke going off. Hang Tough has shrunk the ring field down considerably, effectively eliminating the chase component of the event. Hit and Run, a new event, is taken from Extreme Eliminator Challenge and isn’t as good without the goofy translated commentary.
And then there’s the Eliminator. All of the parts involving Gladiators have been removed, including the end where a Gladiator stood behind one of two doors for each contestant. But this version is definitely harder. It has incorporated some Japanese ideas (Hugging a huge wheel that spins the person around is from Ninja Warrior). It may be less exciting and slower, but that’s because the contestants are utterly exhausted. By the time they get to the reverse escalator at the end (previously at the beginning) some can’t even make it up. I don’t know if I like that part, because it doesn’t matter who did the best in the games or the rest of the Eliminator, but who can climb up that damn treadmill on the first try. I do appreciate the players collapsing through the finish wall rather than running, a testament to the physical toll the Eliminator charges.
So American Gladiators isn’t perfect. It still has too many commercials and interviews filled with clichés (“I just want to give it my best 110%, focus on this event and prove I have what it takes to be here…”), and maybe Hulk Hogan is getting a little old and forgot you can use sentences without saying “Brother.” But until The Coliseum reopens and men armed with tridents and short swords battle to the death, I’ll take it.
I’ve been waiting for this day for years. About 2 years ago, after months of phone calls and letters, which I never actually made or wrote but meant to, Gladiators began airing on ESPN Classic. I began sleeping better at night, knowing if I had the craving to watch grown men run around in steel balls like hamsters trying to land on buttons to release smoke, I could do so within 24 hours. Apparently I was not alone, as a month or two ago a commercial alerted me NBC saw fit to reincarnate the show and revitalize the spandex industry. I think my heart stopped for a second, then pumped irregularly until the date now engraved on my skull, January 6th, arrived.
Gladiators has been updated from the nineties' version with 21st century technology (water) and haircuts (not mullets). While it’s debatable whether these changes improve the show (I think one of the strengths of the old show was the mullet to non-mullet ratio, better than 4 to 1) All of the action that made it great before is still there. Weekend Warriors and housewives are getting decked, dropped, bruised and concussed in all the Gladiatorial events I grew to love as a kid.
This crop of Gladiators seems to be good, too. Most of them are mixed martial artists, so aside from being larger than normal humans they can actually move and know how to inflict pain. My favorites became apparent almost instantaneously. (The Big Bad) Wolf has a signature howl and is big and hairy, kinda like me. Most important, he has solid Gladiator skills, as witnessed in Pyramid, Hang Tough, Gauntlet, and, most notably, Power Ball. The pick of the litter of the ladies is obviously Crush. There was a guy in the Audience holding a sign that said, “I have a Crush on Crush.” My sign would say, “I’d Crush that!” She is the only one that looks like a woman, and she already exploded a girls head in The Joust by hitting her in the face about 50 times. I also love this quote from her in an ESPN Page 2 article: “I’m not used to training with weapons.” (Crush is 5-0 in MMA).
Some of the events do appear to have taken a step backwards. Earthquake doesn’t seem to be as good as Breakthrough and Conquer, which had a football and wrestling portion. Assault, quite possibly the best game in the original, is now too complicated (You have to find an arrow at one station to load in a gun at the next? What is this, Double Dare?!), although hurling the Gladiator backwards into water does beat smoke going off. Hang Tough has shrunk the ring field down considerably, effectively eliminating the chase component of the event. Hit and Run, a new event, is taken from Extreme Eliminator Challenge and isn’t as good without the goofy translated commentary.
And then there’s the Eliminator. All of the parts involving Gladiators have been removed, including the end where a Gladiator stood behind one of two doors for each contestant. But this version is definitely harder. It has incorporated some Japanese ideas (Hugging a huge wheel that spins the person around is from Ninja Warrior). It may be less exciting and slower, but that’s because the contestants are utterly exhausted. By the time they get to the reverse escalator at the end (previously at the beginning) some can’t even make it up. I don’t know if I like that part, because it doesn’t matter who did the best in the games or the rest of the Eliminator, but who can climb up that damn treadmill on the first try. I do appreciate the players collapsing through the finish wall rather than running, a testament to the physical toll the Eliminator charges.
So American Gladiators isn’t perfect. It still has too many commercials and interviews filled with clichés (“I just want to give it my best 110%, focus on this event and prove I have what it takes to be here…”), and maybe Hulk Hogan is getting a little old and forgot you can use sentences without saying “Brother.” But until The Coliseum reopens and men armed with tridents and short swords battle to the death, I’ll take it.
Thursday, January 10, 2008
Most Underrated Actors
For every Yin there is a Yang, and for every Keanu Reeves there is a Christian Bale. This is the list of people that make me hate the people from the most overrated list, because if those people would just stop trying to pleasure me in ways that some might enjoy, but I do not, these people would have more time/resources/opportunities to love me down right. This list is pretty simple. These are people who might not be the first names when you think of blockbuster movie star, but they should be. I will see a movie they are in without knowing anything else (Ok, maybe not Charlize Theron, but She’s close). I would also like to point out since this is about good acting there will be fewer chances for hilarity, as comedy is based on pointing out the faults of others.
5. Johnny Depp
Johnny is low on this list because he is a big star. But looking at all the movies he’s done and all the risks he’s taken, he might be the best actor of this era. How can the guy from Donnie Brasco, Blow, and Pirates of the Caribbean be the same guy in What’s Eating Gilbert Grape, Fear and loathing in Las Vegas, and The Ninth Gate? You never know if he’s going to do some off the wall artsy film or a major Hollywood blockbuster, and that’s comcastic. I think he works with Tim Burton a little too much, but he’s Johnny Depp so he’ll do whatever the hell he wants. According to IMDB.com he’s rumored to be on for Sin City 2 and 3. CommenayEAha!
4. Charlize Theron
Charlize Theron is great because she is beautiful and she can act. She proved she has the sex appeal with the Italian Job and Aeon Flux. Now watch her go crazy in The Devil’s Advocate (“Shhh…do you hear that” Keanu:”No.” I give her credit for performing well with Keanu Reeves in the room), be a full out homicidal maniac in Monster, and throw in North Country for a serious drama. She also gets points for playing a mildly retarded girl on Arrested Development. I would take her over any actress in Hollywood for any given role. She isn’t the hottest of the hot, but she can actually act and she’s hotter than Hilary Swank.
Side note: She was in The Astronaut’s wife with Jonny Depp (#5)? How have I not heard of this movie?
3. Willem Dafoe
I love this guy. He really only plays side characters, but he is really good at it. I was about to shoot myself in the head with a Desert Eagle .50 before he showed up in the English Patient. Platoon: I’d serve for him. Boondock Saints: Coolest gay guy ever. The Life Aquatic: “Thanks. Thanks a lot for not picking me” (hilarious). I didn’t even recognize him in Shadow of the Vampire (If you haven’t seen this check it out. John Malkovich is in it. Maybe he should be on this list…hmmm). I don’t know if he could reach the same level of awesomness as the lead, but I’d love to find out. Step aside, Nick Cage, Willem Dafoe coming through!
2. Christian Bale
Christian Bale was number 1 for a long time, but after Batman Begins the world realized not only can this guy act, but he’s diesel (and what a body. Sorry, but Bale is number 1 on the men who bring out my homosexual tendencies list. Brad Pitt is #2, and Rosie O’Donnell is a close third). But before Batman he was in some great movies not a lot of people know about. American Psycho and Equilibrium are two of my favorites, and neither of those movies are as good with anyone else (I just found out Leonardo DiCaprio was originally cast for American Psycho. Just the thought of someone other than Bale in that makes me want to feed a cat to an ATM). The Machinist isn’t great, but he is great in it (the whole movie is basically “wow, he is a really good actor,” but the plot is so-so). He also proves, just as there can be bad actors in good movies, there can be good acting in Bad Movies. He played a good bad guy in Shaft and was good in The New World despite that movie being utterly pointless. Since Batman he’s kept the ball rolling with The Prestige, Rescue Dawn and 3:10 to Yuma, probably 3 of the 25 or so best movies in the last year and a half. I cannot wait for The Dark Knight.
1. Daniel Day-Lewis
There are 2 big reasons Daniel Day-Lewis isn’t showered with rose petals when he walks the streets (which he should be). He doesn’t make a lot of movies (9 in the last 19 years) and some of them are contemporary Irish themes, so American audiences don’t care. But He’s clearly choosing quality over quantity and his judgment of quality is pretty damn good. He is the only person I can unequivocally say “D-Days in it, it must be good” (Even Christian Bale had Reign of Fire). Look at every movie he has done in the last 2 decades.
My Left Foot: I haven’t seen it but he won an Oscar for it so I’m gonna.
The Last of the Mohicans: I think it’s better than Dances with Wolves. The final scene alone, with D-Day running up a mountain shooting 7ft long rifles on handed is enough to get me ready for the night (When Nike used the LoTM theme in a commercial I almost crapped my pants). It’s my favorite D-Day movie and my favorite Michael Mann movie.
The Age of Innocence: It’s kind of slow but good. It’s one of those movies that makes you hate the Puritan English for the upright morals we inherited from them. Winona Rider hurts it but Michelle Pfeifer makes up for it.
In the Name of the Father: This is a true story about a young Irishman framed for a terrorist bombing in England. The movie follows Lewis over 20 years or so and he does an amazing job showing the maturity of the character. The guy that played Kobayashi in The Usual Suspects is his dad. Good stuff.
The Crucible: Again, Winona tries to destroy this movie but D-Day doesn’t let her. It’s a great adaptation of the play and a good cast (besides shoplifter McGee). “Because it’s my name!” So good.
The Boxer: This is about a boxer in Belfast and the Catholic/Protestant conflict. Like In the name of the Father it didn’t do much in the US but it’s worth checking out.
Gangs of New York: I thought this movie was ok but Lewis steals it with his role as the Butcher. Who pulls off an authentic 19th century New York accent? I mean, who even tries such wild shenanigans? I was pissed he didn’t win best supporting actor.
The Ballad of Jack and Rose: I have never heard of this movie but I found it in the TV listings and am recording it this weekend.
There Will Be Blood: This movie just came out and the reviews I’ve read are gaudy (“best movie of the last few years”, “Lewis is amazing” “This movie is proof Ben Affleck should be hanged for crimes against humanity” (warning: quotes may not have actually come from printed reviews). It hasn’t been released nationally yet but it’s been a long time since I’ve been this excited about a movie.
Honerable Mention: John Malkovich
I almost forgot about Mr. Malkovich. He hasn’t done anything that I’ve seen in a while, but I’ll always watch In the Line of Fire, and he earns a gold star for a side character in a movie with his name in the title.
Honorable Mention: Paul Giamatti
I didn’t know where to put this guy: he’s so different from your stereotypical lead actor. He’s starred in some great small movies (American Splendor and Sideways), but is better known as a side guy (Pig vomit in Private Parts). He’s one of those guys you always like to see in a movie, like Steve Buscemi or Joe Pantoliano. Throw all those guys in a movie, add Willy Dafoe, maybe a Sam Jackson or Chris Walken. Now that’s something worth watching.
That gets me thinking. Here are some other actors who probably could have made this list, but didn’t:
John Torturro- Designated white guy in Spike Lee movies and has some memorable characters in good and not good movies (Quiz Show, The Big Labowski, Rounders, O Brother Where Art Thou, Mr. Deeds).
Joseph Gordon-Levitt-The kid from third rock has made some good movies under the radar. Watch Brick and The Lookout with The Dude himself, Jeff Bridges.
Ralph Feines- People sleep on this guy, but he does high quality work. Shindler’s List, Quiz Show, The English Patient, The Prince of Egypt, Red Dragon, The Constant Gardner.
Val Kilmer-Star of such 80’s classics as Real Genius and Willow, he’s also great in Tombstone, Heat, The Saint, and Kiss Kiss Bang Bang.
5. Johnny Depp
Johnny is low on this list because he is a big star. But looking at all the movies he’s done and all the risks he’s taken, he might be the best actor of this era. How can the guy from Donnie Brasco, Blow, and Pirates of the Caribbean be the same guy in What’s Eating Gilbert Grape, Fear and loathing in Las Vegas, and The Ninth Gate? You never know if he’s going to do some off the wall artsy film or a major Hollywood blockbuster, and that’s comcastic. I think he works with Tim Burton a little too much, but he’s Johnny Depp so he’ll do whatever the hell he wants. According to IMDB.com he’s rumored to be on for Sin City 2 and 3. CommenayEAha!
4. Charlize Theron
Charlize Theron is great because she is beautiful and she can act. She proved she has the sex appeal with the Italian Job and Aeon Flux. Now watch her go crazy in The Devil’s Advocate (“Shhh…do you hear that” Keanu:”No.” I give her credit for performing well with Keanu Reeves in the room), be a full out homicidal maniac in Monster, and throw in North Country for a serious drama. She also gets points for playing a mildly retarded girl on Arrested Development. I would take her over any actress in Hollywood for any given role. She isn’t the hottest of the hot, but she can actually act and she’s hotter than Hilary Swank.
Side note: She was in The Astronaut’s wife with Jonny Depp (#5)? How have I not heard of this movie?
3. Willem Dafoe
I love this guy. He really only plays side characters, but he is really good at it. I was about to shoot myself in the head with a Desert Eagle .50 before he showed up in the English Patient. Platoon: I’d serve for him. Boondock Saints: Coolest gay guy ever. The Life Aquatic: “Thanks. Thanks a lot for not picking me” (hilarious). I didn’t even recognize him in Shadow of the Vampire (If you haven’t seen this check it out. John Malkovich is in it. Maybe he should be on this list…hmmm). I don’t know if he could reach the same level of awesomness as the lead, but I’d love to find out. Step aside, Nick Cage, Willem Dafoe coming through!
2. Christian Bale
Christian Bale was number 1 for a long time, but after Batman Begins the world realized not only can this guy act, but he’s diesel (and what a body. Sorry, but Bale is number 1 on the men who bring out my homosexual tendencies list. Brad Pitt is #2, and Rosie O’Donnell is a close third). But before Batman he was in some great movies not a lot of people know about. American Psycho and Equilibrium are two of my favorites, and neither of those movies are as good with anyone else (I just found out Leonardo DiCaprio was originally cast for American Psycho. Just the thought of someone other than Bale in that makes me want to feed a cat to an ATM). The Machinist isn’t great, but he is great in it (the whole movie is basically “wow, he is a really good actor,” but the plot is so-so). He also proves, just as there can be bad actors in good movies, there can be good acting in Bad Movies. He played a good bad guy in Shaft and was good in The New World despite that movie being utterly pointless. Since Batman he’s kept the ball rolling with The Prestige, Rescue Dawn and 3:10 to Yuma, probably 3 of the 25 or so best movies in the last year and a half. I cannot wait for The Dark Knight.
1. Daniel Day-Lewis
There are 2 big reasons Daniel Day-Lewis isn’t showered with rose petals when he walks the streets (which he should be). He doesn’t make a lot of movies (9 in the last 19 years) and some of them are contemporary Irish themes, so American audiences don’t care. But He’s clearly choosing quality over quantity and his judgment of quality is pretty damn good. He is the only person I can unequivocally say “D-Days in it, it must be good” (Even Christian Bale had Reign of Fire). Look at every movie he has done in the last 2 decades.
My Left Foot: I haven’t seen it but he won an Oscar for it so I’m gonna.
The Last of the Mohicans: I think it’s better than Dances with Wolves. The final scene alone, with D-Day running up a mountain shooting 7ft long rifles on handed is enough to get me ready for the night (When Nike used the LoTM theme in a commercial I almost crapped my pants). It’s my favorite D-Day movie and my favorite Michael Mann movie.
The Age of Innocence: It’s kind of slow but good. It’s one of those movies that makes you hate the Puritan English for the upright morals we inherited from them. Winona Rider hurts it but Michelle Pfeifer makes up for it.
In the Name of the Father: This is a true story about a young Irishman framed for a terrorist bombing in England. The movie follows Lewis over 20 years or so and he does an amazing job showing the maturity of the character. The guy that played Kobayashi in The Usual Suspects is his dad. Good stuff.
The Crucible: Again, Winona tries to destroy this movie but D-Day doesn’t let her. It’s a great adaptation of the play and a good cast (besides shoplifter McGee). “Because it’s my name!” So good.
The Boxer: This is about a boxer in Belfast and the Catholic/Protestant conflict. Like In the name of the Father it didn’t do much in the US but it’s worth checking out.
Gangs of New York: I thought this movie was ok but Lewis steals it with his role as the Butcher. Who pulls off an authentic 19th century New York accent? I mean, who even tries such wild shenanigans? I was pissed he didn’t win best supporting actor.
The Ballad of Jack and Rose: I have never heard of this movie but I found it in the TV listings and am recording it this weekend.
There Will Be Blood: This movie just came out and the reviews I’ve read are gaudy (“best movie of the last few years”, “Lewis is amazing” “This movie is proof Ben Affleck should be hanged for crimes against humanity” (warning: quotes may not have actually come from printed reviews). It hasn’t been released nationally yet but it’s been a long time since I’ve been this excited about a movie.
Honerable Mention: John Malkovich
I almost forgot about Mr. Malkovich. He hasn’t done anything that I’ve seen in a while, but I’ll always watch In the Line of Fire, and he earns a gold star for a side character in a movie with his name in the title.
Honorable Mention: Paul Giamatti
I didn’t know where to put this guy: he’s so different from your stereotypical lead actor. He’s starred in some great small movies (American Splendor and Sideways), but is better known as a side guy (Pig vomit in Private Parts). He’s one of those guys you always like to see in a movie, like Steve Buscemi or Joe Pantoliano. Throw all those guys in a movie, add Willy Dafoe, maybe a Sam Jackson or Chris Walken. Now that’s something worth watching.
That gets me thinking. Here are some other actors who probably could have made this list, but didn’t:
John Torturro- Designated white guy in Spike Lee movies and has some memorable characters in good and not good movies (Quiz Show, The Big Labowski, Rounders, O Brother Where Art Thou, Mr. Deeds).
Joseph Gordon-Levitt-The kid from third rock has made some good movies under the radar. Watch Brick and The Lookout with The Dude himself, Jeff Bridges.
Ralph Feines- People sleep on this guy, but he does high quality work. Shindler’s List, Quiz Show, The English Patient, The Prince of Egypt, Red Dragon, The Constant Gardner.
Val Kilmer-Star of such 80’s classics as Real Genius and Willow, he’s also great in Tombstone, Heat, The Saint, and Kiss Kiss Bang Bang.
Monday, January 7, 2008
Top 5 Most Overrated Actors
I realize this has nothing to do with sports, but I couldn’t think of anything in sports to write about. And it really irritates when someone says something like “Nick Cage is really good” or "I can't wait for that new Ben Affleck movie" (yes, I have heard both of these things said). So, this is my list of the top 5 most overrated actors. How does one qualify for this list? If I’m watching a movie and start to imagine how the movie would be better with someone else (Think about Johnny Depp or Ethan Hawke in The Devil’s Advocate), or if the star actor makes me not want to watch something despite the rest of the cast (How have I not seen Captain Corelli’s Mandolin? It has Penelope Cruz and Christian Bale), they are in the running. Basically these are people I wish would go away and stop ruining good movies/making bad movies so I don’t have to sit through 2 ½ hours of some boring Sci-fi movie because someone thinks the guy that wrote the book is God.
5. Julia Roberts
I had a high school science teacher that always made a point that actors get paid more than actresses, and there was only one actress who could demand $10 million for a movie, Julia Roberts. Well I kinda think there should be no women that make that much. I was watching Ocean’s 11 when she’s introduced as this amazingly hot woman in slow motion and I immediately thought of 5 women who would be better. Her cleavage was the first to win an Academy Award for acting, and I think there are some more deserving chests out there (Fabio’s chest can really make you think). Try and tell me she’s worth $10 million after watching Conspiracy Theory, Stepmom, Notting Hill, Runaway Bride, Closer, and Mona Lisa Smile.
4. Keanu Reeves
Keanu is good when he is in the right environment, namely movies that don’t require him to act. Bill & Ted, Point Break, Speed, The Replacements and The Matrix were all good because He doesn’t have to do too much. But then he goes and tries to sneak in to dramas, thinking if he’s surrounded by talent we won’t notice he suffers from voice immodulation. It’s like one of those SAT questions where you have to pick which word doesn’t fit in the group. Watch Dangerous Liasons, Dracula, Much Ado About Nothing, or The Devil’s Advocate and see if you can find the actor who doesn’t belong in the movie. The reason Keanu isn’t higher on the list is because everyone knows he can’t act, and is therefore not overrated. But he is the worst actor in acting and is still in movies, so the fact that he is rated makes him overrated.
3. John Travolta
Travolta had two good movies in the 70’s, Saturday Night Fever and Grease. Then he had a great comeback with Pulp Fiction. What happened in between? Did we forget the timeless Look Who’s Talking trilogy (yeah, they made three of those. The third one was about dogs)? And since Pulp Fiction he’s blessed us with such classics as Broken Arrow- where he is out-acted by Howie Long, Phenomenon, Michael, Face/Off (more on this later), A Civil Action, Battlefield Earth- the first clue America got that scientologists are psycho, Be Cool-the unnecessary sequel to Get Shorty, which was pretty good, and Hairspray-where he proves he can act poorly as both sexes. He wasn’t even very good in Pulp Fiction. He’s probably the tenth best thing in that movie, between the gimp and Tarantino.
2. Nicholas Cage
What pisses me off most about Nicholas Cage is he wanted to be the next James Bond, and got mad when he wasn’t picked, saying James Bond doesn’t have to be British. 1) Yes he does. 2) Maybe if you could do an accent it wouldn’t be a problem. 3) Aside from nationality let’s go over everything else a Bond needs which you don’t have.
Be an action star: Nick keeps trying but I don’t think it’s working. The Rock is good but overrated. Con Air is proof of my previous statement he can’t do accents (People from the South are from the South in every scene, Nick). Face/Off features two guys who can’t act acting like they’re the other one, and somehow managing to do a bad job, and I’m not even taking into account the plot hole that putting on someone else’s face doesn’t change bone structure or height. Gone in 60 Seconds is basically The Fast and the Furious, and I think that has a better Bond in it (Vin Diesel). National Treasure: Hey, we didn’t get the rights to the Da Vinci Code, so let’s just do the same thing only in America (Ok, the movie was fun but I didn’t need to see it again). Ghost Rider: I was bored enough to watch this the other week. I also watched Stomp the Yard. Ghost Rider wins, but only because Eva Mendes is fiyiyine!
Be a good actor: Though not necessarily a requirement for Bond, it helps. If I stringed together clips from every movie Cage has done, it would be impossible to tell which movie the stuttering unsure scene comes from and where the wide eyed maniacal laugh is from. When you’re the same character in every movie that means you’re not good at acting (see how to play an arrogant but lovable role, regardless of the character’s job or movie tone by Tom Cruise).
1.Ben Affleck
Ben Affleck is what is known as a bankable star. That means if he attaches himself to a movie it automatically gets greenlit, or will be made. How did this happen? Let’s look at every movie in which Ben is the main character:
Armageddon (not great, but people like special effects. I don’t know how he gets credit for that), Reindeer Games, Pearl Harbor (Wow, you think you can make another Armageddon only not as good? I don’t believe you, Ben), The Sum of All Fears (Surely this can’t misfire. It worked with Alec Baldwin and Harrison Ford (twice). Even Affleck can make money with this, right?), Daredevil (…this one left me speechless), Gigli (Ben: I’m still bankable? What more can I do?), Paycheck (This movie plus The Bourne Identity proves Matt Damon had all the talent in that marriage), Jersey Girl (This is getting ridiculous. It’s like a list of the biggest flops of the past decade), Surviving Christmas, Hollywoodland.
I don’t understand how Ben Affleck is still allowed in the state of California. The crap he makes is the reason There Will Be Blood isn’t showing at the Theater near my house.
Honorable Mention: Kevin Costner
Everyone knows Kevin Costner has spent the past decade making horrible movies (Waterworld, The Postman, The Guardian), so he couldn’t be on the list. But looking back on the movies that made him big I think people fail to realize that he was never a good actor. Take Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves. I love that movie, but Robin Hood really should have a British accent. And emotion. Looking back it’s clear the supporting actors (Morgan Freeman, Alan Rickman) were better than the lead, and that doesn’t say a lot about the lead actor. Dances with Wolves, another great movie. But do you really have to use the some-guy-doesn’t-understand-a-monocle-makes-things-look-closer-than-they-are gag you used in Robin Hood? Costner is the first example in this list of actors in good movies being mistaken for good actors. Oh, and even though this one’s obvious, why make Wyatt Earp when it was already made an hour shorter with better acting…when it was called Tombstone.
Honorable Mention: Jimmy Fallon
I couldn’t put Jimmy Fallon on the list because he hasn’t made enough movies. But he has won the award for person I most want to punch in the face for four consecutive years, so he’s worth mentioning. A couple of notes:
Not being able to say your lines without laughing every skit is not funny.
Doing an impression of someone who is funnier than your impression is not funny.
Liking the Yankees because Lorne Michaels got you free tickets, then deciding the Red Sox are pretty cool and making a movie about them losing the World Series, then changing the ending when they actually win makes you the Count of Douchebaggery. I don’t know a lot about baseball but you can’t switch from a Yankees fan to a Red Sox fan (Steven Atwell!).
5. Julia Roberts
I had a high school science teacher that always made a point that actors get paid more than actresses, and there was only one actress who could demand $10 million for a movie, Julia Roberts. Well I kinda think there should be no women that make that much. I was watching Ocean’s 11 when she’s introduced as this amazingly hot woman in slow motion and I immediately thought of 5 women who would be better. Her cleavage was the first to win an Academy Award for acting, and I think there are some more deserving chests out there (Fabio’s chest can really make you think). Try and tell me she’s worth $10 million after watching Conspiracy Theory, Stepmom, Notting Hill, Runaway Bride, Closer, and Mona Lisa Smile.
4. Keanu Reeves
Keanu is good when he is in the right environment, namely movies that don’t require him to act. Bill & Ted, Point Break, Speed, The Replacements and The Matrix were all good because He doesn’t have to do too much. But then he goes and tries to sneak in to dramas, thinking if he’s surrounded by talent we won’t notice he suffers from voice immodulation. It’s like one of those SAT questions where you have to pick which word doesn’t fit in the group. Watch Dangerous Liasons, Dracula, Much Ado About Nothing, or The Devil’s Advocate and see if you can find the actor who doesn’t belong in the movie. The reason Keanu isn’t higher on the list is because everyone knows he can’t act, and is therefore not overrated. But he is the worst actor in acting and is still in movies, so the fact that he is rated makes him overrated.
3. John Travolta
Travolta had two good movies in the 70’s, Saturday Night Fever and Grease. Then he had a great comeback with Pulp Fiction. What happened in between? Did we forget the timeless Look Who’s Talking trilogy (yeah, they made three of those. The third one was about dogs)? And since Pulp Fiction he’s blessed us with such classics as Broken Arrow- where he is out-acted by Howie Long, Phenomenon, Michael, Face/Off (more on this later), A Civil Action, Battlefield Earth- the first clue America got that scientologists are psycho, Be Cool-the unnecessary sequel to Get Shorty, which was pretty good, and Hairspray-where he proves he can act poorly as both sexes. He wasn’t even very good in Pulp Fiction. He’s probably the tenth best thing in that movie, between the gimp and Tarantino.
2. Nicholas Cage
What pisses me off most about Nicholas Cage is he wanted to be the next James Bond, and got mad when he wasn’t picked, saying James Bond doesn’t have to be British. 1) Yes he does. 2) Maybe if you could do an accent it wouldn’t be a problem. 3) Aside from nationality let’s go over everything else a Bond needs which you don’t have.
Be an action star: Nick keeps trying but I don’t think it’s working. The Rock is good but overrated. Con Air is proof of my previous statement he can’t do accents (People from the South are from the South in every scene, Nick). Face/Off features two guys who can’t act acting like they’re the other one, and somehow managing to do a bad job, and I’m not even taking into account the plot hole that putting on someone else’s face doesn’t change bone structure or height. Gone in 60 Seconds is basically The Fast and the Furious, and I think that has a better Bond in it (Vin Diesel). National Treasure: Hey, we didn’t get the rights to the Da Vinci Code, so let’s just do the same thing only in America (Ok, the movie was fun but I didn’t need to see it again). Ghost Rider: I was bored enough to watch this the other week. I also watched Stomp the Yard. Ghost Rider wins, but only because Eva Mendes is fiyiyine!
Be a good actor: Though not necessarily a requirement for Bond, it helps. If I stringed together clips from every movie Cage has done, it would be impossible to tell which movie the stuttering unsure scene comes from and where the wide eyed maniacal laugh is from. When you’re the same character in every movie that means you’re not good at acting (see how to play an arrogant but lovable role, regardless of the character’s job or movie tone by Tom Cruise).
1.Ben Affleck
Ben Affleck is what is known as a bankable star. That means if he attaches himself to a movie it automatically gets greenlit, or will be made. How did this happen? Let’s look at every movie in which Ben is the main character:
Armageddon (not great, but people like special effects. I don’t know how he gets credit for that), Reindeer Games, Pearl Harbor (Wow, you think you can make another Armageddon only not as good? I don’t believe you, Ben), The Sum of All Fears (Surely this can’t misfire. It worked with Alec Baldwin and Harrison Ford (twice). Even Affleck can make money with this, right?), Daredevil (…this one left me speechless), Gigli (Ben: I’m still bankable? What more can I do?), Paycheck (This movie plus The Bourne Identity proves Matt Damon had all the talent in that marriage), Jersey Girl (This is getting ridiculous. It’s like a list of the biggest flops of the past decade), Surviving Christmas, Hollywoodland.
I don’t understand how Ben Affleck is still allowed in the state of California. The crap he makes is the reason There Will Be Blood isn’t showing at the Theater near my house.
Honorable Mention: Kevin Costner
Everyone knows Kevin Costner has spent the past decade making horrible movies (Waterworld, The Postman, The Guardian), so he couldn’t be on the list. But looking back on the movies that made him big I think people fail to realize that he was never a good actor. Take Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves. I love that movie, but Robin Hood really should have a British accent. And emotion. Looking back it’s clear the supporting actors (Morgan Freeman, Alan Rickman) were better than the lead, and that doesn’t say a lot about the lead actor. Dances with Wolves, another great movie. But do you really have to use the some-guy-doesn’t-understand-a-monocle-makes-things-look-closer-than-they-are gag you used in Robin Hood? Costner is the first example in this list of actors in good movies being mistaken for good actors. Oh, and even though this one’s obvious, why make Wyatt Earp when it was already made an hour shorter with better acting…when it was called Tombstone.
Honorable Mention: Jimmy Fallon
I couldn’t put Jimmy Fallon on the list because he hasn’t made enough movies. But he has won the award for person I most want to punch in the face for four consecutive years, so he’s worth mentioning. A couple of notes:
Not being able to say your lines without laughing every skit is not funny.
Doing an impression of someone who is funnier than your impression is not funny.
Liking the Yankees because Lorne Michaels got you free tickets, then deciding the Red Sox are pretty cool and making a movie about them losing the World Series, then changing the ending when they actually win makes you the Count of Douchebaggery. I don’t know a lot about baseball but you can’t switch from a Yankees fan to a Red Sox fan (Steven Atwell!).
Top 5 Most Overrated Actors
I realize this has nothing to do with sports, but I couldn’t think of anything in sports to write about. And it really irritates when someone says something like “Nick Cage is really good”. No he isn’t. So, this is my list of the top 5 most overrated actors. How does one qualify for this list? If I’m watching a movie and start to imagine how the movie would be better with someone else (Think about Johnny Depp or Etan Hawke in The Devil’s Advocate) you are in the running. If the star actor makes me not want to watch something despite the rest of the cast (How have I not seen Captain Corelli’s Mandolin? It has Penelope Cruz and Christian Bale), yet continue to make movies, they have a head start. Basically these are people I wish would go away and stop ruining good movies/making bad movies so I don’t have to sit through 2 ½ hours of some boring Sci-fi movie because someone thinks the guy that wrote the book is God.
5. Julia Roberts
I had a high school science teacher that always made a point that actors get paid more than actresses, and there was only one actress who could demand $10 million for a movie, Julia Roberts. Well I kinda think there should be no women that make that much. I was watching Ocean’s 11 when she’s introduced as this amazingly hot woman in slow motion and I immediately thought of 5 women who would be better. Her cleavage was the first to win an academy award for acting, and I think there are some more deserving chests out there (Fabio’s chest can really make you think). Try and tell me she’s worth $10 million after watching Conspiracy Theory, Stepmom, Notting Hill, Runaway Bride, Closer, and Mona Lisa Smile.
4. Reeves
Keanu is good when he is in the right environment, namely movies that don’t require him to act. Bill & Ted, Point Break, Speed, The Replacements and The Matrix were all good because He doesn’t have to do too much. But then he goes and tries to sneak in to Drama’s, thinking if he’s surrounded by talent we won’t notice he suffers from voice imodulation. It’s like one of those SAT questions where you have to pick which word doesn’t fit in the group. Watch Dangerous Liasons, Dracula, Much Ado About Nothing, or The Devil’s Advocate and see if you can find the actor who doesn’t belong in the movie. The Reason Keanu isn’t higher on the list is because everyone knows he can’t act, and is there for not overrated. But he is the worst actor in acting and is still in movies, so the fact that he is rated makes him overrated.
3. Travolta
Travolta had two good movies in the 70’s, Saturday Night Fever and Grease. Then he had a great comeback with Pulp Fiction. What happened in between? Did we forget the timeless Look Who’s Talking trilogy (yeah, they made three of those. The third one was about dogs)? And since Pulp Fiction he’s blessed us with such classics as Broken Arrow- where he is out acted by Howie Long, Phenomenon, Michael, Face/Off (more on this later), A Civil Action, Battlefield Earth- the first clue America got that scientologists are psycho, Be Cool-the unnecessary sequel to Get Shorty, which was pretty good, and Hairspray-where he proves he can act poorly as both sexes. He wasn’t even very good in Pulp Fiction. He’s probably the tenth best thing in that movie, between the gimp and Tarentino.
2. Cage
What pisses me off most about Nicholas Cage is he wanted to be the next James Bond, and got mad when he wasn’t picked, saying James Bond doesn’t have to be British. 1) Yes he does. 2) Maybe if you could do an accent it wouldn’t be a problem. 3) Aside from nationality let’s go over everything else a Bond needs which you don’t have.
Be an action star: Nick keeps trying but I don’t think it’s working. The rock is good but overrated. Con Air is proof of my previous statement he can’t do accents (People from the South are from the South in every scene, Nick). Face/Off features two guys who can’t act acting like they’re the other one, and somehow managing to do a bad job, and I’m not even taking into account the plot hole that putting on someone else’s face doesn’t change bone structure or height. Gone in 60 Seconds is basically The Fast and the Furious, and I think that has a better Bond in it (Vin Diesel). National Treasure: Hey, we didn’t get the rights to the Da Vinci Code, so let’s just do the same thing only in America (Ok, the movie was fun but I didn’t need to see it again). Ghost Rider: I was bored enough to watch this the other week. I also watched Stomp the Yard. Ghost Rider wins, but only because Eva Mendez is fiyiyine!
Be a good actor: Though not necessarily a requirement for Bond, it helps. If I stringed together clips from every movie Cage has done, it would be impossible to tell which movie the stuttering unsure scene comes from and where the wide eyed maniacal laugh is from. When you’re the same character in every movie that means you’re not good at acting (see how to play an arrogant but lovable role, regardless of the character’s job or movie tone by Tom Cruise).
1. Ben Affleck
Ben Affleck is what is known as a bankable star. That means if he attaches himself to a movie it automatically gets greenlit, or will be made. How did this happen? Let’s look at every movie in which Ben is the main character:
Armageddon (not great but people like special effects. I don’t know how he gets credit for that), Reindeer Games, Pearl Harbor (Wow, you think you can make another Armageddon only not as good? I don’t believe you, Ben), The Sum of All Fears (Surely this can’t misfire. It worked with Alec Baldwin and Harrison Ford (twice). Even Affleck can make money with this, right?), Daredevil (…this one left me speechless), Gigli (Ben: I’m still bankable? What more can I do?), Paycheck (This movie plus The Bourne Identity proves Matt Damon had all the talent in that marriage), Jersey Girl (This is getting ridiculous. It’s like a list of the biggest flops of the past decade), Surviving Christmas, Hollywoodland.
I don’t understand how Ben Affleck is still aloud in the state of California. The crap he makes is the reason There Will Be Blood isn’t showing at the Theater near my house. His best movie was before his career started (Dazed and Confused).
Honorable Mention: Costner
Everyone knows Kevin Costner has spent the past decade making horrible movies (Waterworld, The Postman, The Guardian), so he couldn’t be on the list. But looking back on the movies that made him big I think people fail to realize that he was never a good actor. Take Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves. I love that movie, but Robin Hood really should have a British accent. And emotion. Looking back it’s clear the supporting actors (Morgan Freeman, Alan Rickman) were better than the lead, and that doesn’t say a lot about the lead actor. Dance with Wolves, another great movie. But do you really have to use the same guy doesn’t understand a monocular makes things look closer than they are gag you used in Robin Hood. Costner is the first example in this list of actors in good movies being mistaken for good actors. Oh, and eventhough this one’s obvious, why make Wyatt Earp when it was already made an hour shorter with better acting…when it was called Tombstone.
Honorable Mention: Jimmy Fallon
I couldn’t put Jimmy Fallon on the list because he hasn’t made enough movies. But he has won the award for person I most want to punch in the face for four consecutive years, so he’s worth mentioning. A couple of notes:
Not being able to say your lines without laughing every skit is not funny.
Doing an impression of someone who is funnier than your impression is not funny.
Liking the Yankees because Lorne Michaels got you free tickets, then deciding the Red sox are pretty cool and making a movie about them losing the World Series, then changing the ending when they actually win makes you the Count of Douchebaggery. I don’t know a lot about baseball but you can’t switch from a Yankees fan to a Red Sox fan (Steven Atwell!).
5. Julia Roberts
I had a high school science teacher that always made a point that actors get paid more than actresses, and there was only one actress who could demand $10 million for a movie, Julia Roberts. Well I kinda think there should be no women that make that much. I was watching Ocean’s 11 when she’s introduced as this amazingly hot woman in slow motion and I immediately thought of 5 women who would be better. Her cleavage was the first to win an academy award for acting, and I think there are some more deserving chests out there (Fabio’s chest can really make you think). Try and tell me she’s worth $10 million after watching Conspiracy Theory, Stepmom, Notting Hill, Runaway Bride, Closer, and Mona Lisa Smile.
4. Reeves
Keanu is good when he is in the right environment, namely movies that don’t require him to act. Bill & Ted, Point Break, Speed, The Replacements and The Matrix were all good because He doesn’t have to do too much. But then he goes and tries to sneak in to Drama’s, thinking if he’s surrounded by talent we won’t notice he suffers from voice imodulation. It’s like one of those SAT questions where you have to pick which word doesn’t fit in the group. Watch Dangerous Liasons, Dracula, Much Ado About Nothing, or The Devil’s Advocate and see if you can find the actor who doesn’t belong in the movie. The Reason Keanu isn’t higher on the list is because everyone knows he can’t act, and is there for not overrated. But he is the worst actor in acting and is still in movies, so the fact that he is rated makes him overrated.
3. Travolta
Travolta had two good movies in the 70’s, Saturday Night Fever and Grease. Then he had a great comeback with Pulp Fiction. What happened in between? Did we forget the timeless Look Who’s Talking trilogy (yeah, they made three of those. The third one was about dogs)? And since Pulp Fiction he’s blessed us with such classics as Broken Arrow- where he is out acted by Howie Long, Phenomenon, Michael, Face/Off (more on this later), A Civil Action, Battlefield Earth- the first clue America got that scientologists are psycho, Be Cool-the unnecessary sequel to Get Shorty, which was pretty good, and Hairspray-where he proves he can act poorly as both sexes. He wasn’t even very good in Pulp Fiction. He’s probably the tenth best thing in that movie, between the gimp and Tarentino.
2. Cage
What pisses me off most about Nicholas Cage is he wanted to be the next James Bond, and got mad when he wasn’t picked, saying James Bond doesn’t have to be British. 1) Yes he does. 2) Maybe if you could do an accent it wouldn’t be a problem. 3) Aside from nationality let’s go over everything else a Bond needs which you don’t have.
Be an action star: Nick keeps trying but I don’t think it’s working. The rock is good but overrated. Con Air is proof of my previous statement he can’t do accents (People from the South are from the South in every scene, Nick). Face/Off features two guys who can’t act acting like they’re the other one, and somehow managing to do a bad job, and I’m not even taking into account the plot hole that putting on someone else’s face doesn’t change bone structure or height. Gone in 60 Seconds is basically The Fast and the Furious, and I think that has a better Bond in it (Vin Diesel). National Treasure: Hey, we didn’t get the rights to the Da Vinci Code, so let’s just do the same thing only in America (Ok, the movie was fun but I didn’t need to see it again). Ghost Rider: I was bored enough to watch this the other week. I also watched Stomp the Yard. Ghost Rider wins, but only because Eva Mendez is fiyiyine!
Be a good actor: Though not necessarily a requirement for Bond, it helps. If I stringed together clips from every movie Cage has done, it would be impossible to tell which movie the stuttering unsure scene comes from and where the wide eyed maniacal laugh is from. When you’re the same character in every movie that means you’re not good at acting (see how to play an arrogant but lovable role, regardless of the character’s job or movie tone by Tom Cruise).
1. Ben Affleck
Ben Affleck is what is known as a bankable star. That means if he attaches himself to a movie it automatically gets greenlit, or will be made. How did this happen? Let’s look at every movie in which Ben is the main character:
Armageddon (not great but people like special effects. I don’t know how he gets credit for that), Reindeer Games, Pearl Harbor (Wow, you think you can make another Armageddon only not as good? I don’t believe you, Ben), The Sum of All Fears (Surely this can’t misfire. It worked with Alec Baldwin and Harrison Ford (twice). Even Affleck can make money with this, right?), Daredevil (…this one left me speechless), Gigli (Ben: I’m still bankable? What more can I do?), Paycheck (This movie plus The Bourne Identity proves Matt Damon had all the talent in that marriage), Jersey Girl (This is getting ridiculous. It’s like a list of the biggest flops of the past decade), Surviving Christmas, Hollywoodland.
I don’t understand how Ben Affleck is still aloud in the state of California. The crap he makes is the reason There Will Be Blood isn’t showing at the Theater near my house. His best movie was before his career started (Dazed and Confused).
Honorable Mention: Costner
Everyone knows Kevin Costner has spent the past decade making horrible movies (Waterworld, The Postman, The Guardian), so he couldn’t be on the list. But looking back on the movies that made him big I think people fail to realize that he was never a good actor. Take Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves. I love that movie, but Robin Hood really should have a British accent. And emotion. Looking back it’s clear the supporting actors (Morgan Freeman, Alan Rickman) were better than the lead, and that doesn’t say a lot about the lead actor. Dance with Wolves, another great movie. But do you really have to use the same guy doesn’t understand a monocular makes things look closer than they are gag you used in Robin Hood. Costner is the first example in this list of actors in good movies being mistaken for good actors. Oh, and eventhough this one’s obvious, why make Wyatt Earp when it was already made an hour shorter with better acting…when it was called Tombstone.
Honorable Mention: Jimmy Fallon
I couldn’t put Jimmy Fallon on the list because he hasn’t made enough movies. But he has won the award for person I most want to punch in the face for four consecutive years, so he’s worth mentioning. A couple of notes:
Not being able to say your lines without laughing every skit is not funny.
Doing an impression of someone who is funnier than your impression is not funny.
Liking the Yankees because Lorne Michaels got you free tickets, then deciding the Red sox are pretty cool and making a movie about them losing the World Series, then changing the ending when they actually win makes you the Count of Douchebaggery. I don’t know a lot about baseball but you can’t switch from a Yankees fan to a Red Sox fan (Steven Atwell!).
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